On the verge of understanding, innuendo

When I was in fourth grade my class incubated chicken eggs as a class project. I obviously lived in a very small town in the Midwest, anyway. We turned the eggs and made sure the heat was always just right for them. We took flash lights to them so we could see the growing chick inside. We got very attached to these chicken eggs. Then the time came and chicks started to hatch. It was a gloriously magical day that I still remember fondly. Seeing those little beaks break through the shells, then they so ungracefully fall out of the shell and into the world. It was incredible. A week earlier permission slips had gone home asking parents if the kids could bring their beloved chicks home. I was one of the lucky ones I had permission to bring my chick home. The next day I brought an empty peanut butter jar with holes in the top to school with me I was Ready to become a chicken mother. 

I got my chick home and my mom helped me to make a home for it out of a cardboard box with the top cut off. We had a towel in it and a little tray of bird seed and some water, it was a chickens dream. I was sitting on the floor holding my little baby chick in the palm of my hand and my mom asked me what I wanted to name the chick. I thought about it for some time and decided that because when I held onto my chick in my open palm it would peck around looking for food that the logical name for this little chick was Pecker. My mom as you might imagine was a bit taken back and asked if I was sure I wanted to go with the name Pecker. I was very sure; it just made so much sense. So my Pecker and I were best friends I played with Pecker pretty much constantly.

A couple of weeks past and Pecker and I were getting along great but sadly a friend of mine from my class had been told by her dad that her baby chick had to go. They didn't live on a farm and to make matters worse they had a cat and the cat didn't appreciate the warm and fuzzy baby chick in quit the same way we did. So she asked me if I would adopt her chick for her and raise it with my chick. Well of course I wanted to! So I asked my mom and sure enough she said as long as they stayed in their box I could have two baby chicks. So my friend brought over her chick and its remaining bird seed, we introduced the two chicks to each other and it was a beautiful thing. Now this is the 90's and if you know anything about the 90's you know that Saved by the Bell was one of the biggest shows of the time. My friend and I defiantly loved the show and she loved it so much that she named her chick Screech. So now if you are keeping track I have Pecker and Screech. 

Another couple of weeks went by and my mom was sending me to stay the weekend at my Grandma's, so of course I couldn't leave my babies at home alone.  I packed up Pecker and I packed up Screech and we set off to Grandma's. When I arrived I brought the chicks in, got their box all set up, I refilled their waters and they were all good. My family started to show up shortly after and they were all sitting at my Grandma's table drinking coffee when my uncle asked why there were chickens in the house. I didn't understand at the time why my mom was so adamant that I told the story to my family but I get it now. I said Pecker and Screech to my whole family about a dozen times. I was even baited into saying it. My cousin would say “OK now which one was that I forgot?" and of course I would say Pecker. In retrospect my family must have gotten quit a kick out of the whole thing. I had no idea what was so funny. I just thought they shared my chicken love.

Well eventually Pecker and Screech got so big that the box wasn't keeping them contained anymore and my mom broke the news to me that it was time for the chickens to move outside. It was a very sad day but Pecker and Screech were loaded up into a cage and taken to my uncle's farm. I thought I would never recover from the loss of my beloved Pecker but I knew it was for the best. I visited my chickens every couple of weeks when we would go to the farm and then one day I couldn't find them. I asked my aunt, uncle and cousins if anyone knew where my chickens were. No one would answer me. I kept pestering my family for weeks over the fact that Pecker and Screech were missing. I was moments away from making up "Lost" posters for my chickens when finally my uncle put it to rest. The last word I heard on the matter was "Sarah, your Pecker is gone." That was that the end of my beloved Pecker. 

I tell you this story for a few reasons 1. It's therapeutic I don't know that I ever fully recovered over the loss of my Pecker and poor Screech. 2. It's pretty funny now that I'm old enough to understand why my family made me say the chickens names 400 times, and still do to this day actually. I’m almost 30 years old and my family still gets a kick out of it and 3. If your kid is walking around innocently saying Pecker and Screech to everyone they meet, stop them. I don't know how old I was when it finally hit me why this story was so funny but I think I was about 15 and the realization made me want to bury myself alive. I can laugh about it now but think to yourself how would you feel if you realized that you had said Pecker to your grandma dozens of times? Think about that.  Be kind to your kids. 

On the Verge of understanding, the holidays

My kids came home from school yesterday and they were extremely excited that they had learned what a cornucopia was. I have never heard the word cornucopia so many times in my life and now the word is rattling around in my head and it has me thinking, oh no, the holidays are coming. Run for the hills it's The Holidays! Actually I've given it some more thought and all holidays are pretty nutty actually.  It's not just Thanksgiving and Christmas that get all the credit for being ridiculous if you ask me all of our holidays have their own little quirks, allow me to explain. 

New Year’s Day. It's the start to a brand new year and everyone is highly motivated to finally scratch off all that stuff on their “to do” lists and drop those pesky 50 lbs. It's just funny to me that usually by June most people are back to not caring anymore. I have a love hate relationship with New Years. To me it's like that jocky kid in high school who you hated because he was so full of himself, constantly working out and flashing his bright white smile there by making you feel like you are the laziest person on earth. Then you find out he bottle feeds stray kittens and does needle point with his grandma in the nursing home. Crap. It reminds me that even though New Year’s sucks because it points out my flaws it's not actually the holidays fault. I don't know whose fault it is but I don't think it's the holidays. 

Valentine's Day. I swear I'm not a cynic it's just that no one needs a card the size of their windshield and a stuffed puppy the size of a Buick  What do you do with the Buick puppy after the holiday? You will have to have a closet dedicated to this monstrous pink beagle and you can't in good conscience get rid of it because then you are insensitive. Then there are Valentine's Day pressures if you don't have performance anxiety before Valentine's Day you will during it. All those diamond commercials want you to think that if you don't get your girlfriend a giant diamond today she will hate you forever and your life is ruined. That is just dumb, calm down relax, she won’t hate you Forever and your life's not over. She will only hate you for a month or so and life, although now complicated, will go on. Geez, lighten up.

St. Patrick's Day. Who doesn't need a holiday that gives you an excuse to drink whiskey and make bad choices? I know I do. Ok no I don't but I like watching those people from a safe distance. "But officer it's St. Patrick's Day, I Have to streak naked through the streets. My great, great, great grandfather was Irish, it's my Birth Right!" Yeah that will probably work. If there is anything I have learned from my Irish heritage it's that my people don't need a day to allow them to get wasted. We don't need your stinking holiday to give us permission; we were given beer at birth so we could build up our tolerance. St. Patrick's Day is for young college students who wear green beer steins sun glasses and young gals who wake up with cold sores because they put their mouth on everyone who wore a “Kiss me I’m Irish” button. It’s a button girlie not a contract you can say no. 

Easter. Where did this go wrong? What happened to celebrating the resurrection of Christ? Somehow it became much more appropriate to chase after a mythical rabbit that leaves you glittery candy filled eggs. I would say that you could ask most kids what Easter is about and they will say candy. Nothing quit says resurrection of our Lord and Savior like a Reese’s shaped like an egg. Oh man those are good. Considering that one of the number one shows in the whole country right now is called The Walking Dead it can't be that hard to market Jesus raising from the dead right? We would have to cut out the whole zombie thing but I'm just saying it's possible for youth to understand. I think the bunny is replaceable. However I vote we keep the Reese’s eggs.

Independence Day. On one hand this is an amazing day in American history and I'm very proud of that. However on the other hand it has really become a hillbillies dream. What could be better than hot dogs, beer and blowing things up? Admit it you've noticed that around the Fourth of July beer commercial get patriotic and become more frequent. Beer manufactures know that it will be a requirement for entry at most Independence Day celebrations. If you want to gain entry to a buddy’s campsite on the fourth of July, you’re going to have to meet a few criteria 1. Show up with cheap beer and lots of it 2. You must intend to consume meat prepared on a grill and 3. You had better expect for things to be set on fire. End of story. Happy Birthday ‘Merica.

Halloween. I could go on for days about Halloween but I will try to make it brief. Halloween is probably one of the most controversial holidays because some people think it is glorifying a demonic holiday. Some people think it is just a fun night for little kids to have an excuse to go into public dressed as a power ranger or a princess, and then there are those who use the holiday to be as slutty as they can possibly manage without being arrested. So depending on your place in life Halloween can mean lots of different things to you. There is no way to describe the feeling this year when my son turned around to me and informed me that he could see the butt of the girl in front of him. That was an uncomfortable life lesson that I didn't want to teach while pushing an M&M in a stroller and screaming at a little pink monster to "keep up” while we were trick-or-treating. Sure enough the girl in front of him who was roughly 16 years old was dressed as the sluttiest bumble bee on the planet and low and behold underneath that child's barely there yellow tutu was her rear end out on display. Dear slutty Bumble Bee, A. Put some Tights on underneath your tutu. B. You are 16 stop trick-or-treating C. Were your parents drunk when you walked out of the house? I have a love hate relationship with Halloween, but unlike New Years it doesn't ultimately give me a sense of optimism instead it fills me with the fear that eventually it's going to be socially acceptable to walk around in public on October 31st completely nude wearing ears and a tail and people will think nothing of it. I'm just say'in it's not looking good. 

Thanksgiving. This much like Independence Day is one of our most important days for our country and so in true American spirit we spend too much money on food we won't eat, force ourselves to pretend we like our families, and over eat on carbs and sweets until we feel we can no longer move and pray for some gestural intestinal relief. Good to be an American where I have the freedom to eat until I puke and watch football until my eyes hurt. We are celebrating a day that we shared a meal with the Native Americans. These Native Americans made it possible for boobs like us to survive in this foreign land and then we killed them, yep practically killed them all. Thanks for the yummy food, now get out we are stealing your land! So now I feel it's only right that we celebrate it every year by treating ourselves so poorly. It’s a little bit of Native American’s revenge.

Christmas is for lunatics. I think almost everyone can say that Christmas makes people crazy. Considering this season starts with a day called Black Friday it doesn't bode well for the whole spirit of the day. I went black Friday shopping one time and never again. I had a woman ram her cart into the back of my ankles and then before I could turn around and say "watch where you're going please" she had whipped around me and gave me the finger. Nothing says love thy neighbor quit like flipping them the bird on your way to by discount batteries. People get consumed with greed around Christmas and forget what it's all about. This year as Christmas approaches sit back, relax and focus on what’s really important about Christmas...cookies.

Now having said all of this let me say. I love the holidays. All of the holidays are equally great they all cater to a different part of my personality. Sometimes I'm feeling a little off my rocker and I want to blow stuff up. Sometimes I'm feeling sensitive and have a great desire for a fluffy Pomeranian the size of a jungle gym and sometimes I want a good excuse to be drunk in public so I start screaming "It's OK I'm Irish!" Alright I don't do those things but I like knowing that if I ever wanted to I could.  All holidays have their draw backs and their wonders. Like on Halloween it's a wonder to me how more women don't end up roofied. Holidays can make people crazy but just remember this may not be your favorite holiday but someone somewhere is having the time of their life so grin, bare it, and cornucopia. I still can't get that word out of my head. Happy Holiday!