My kids came
home from school yesterday and they were extremely excited that they had
learned what a cornucopia was. I have never heard the
word cornucopia so many times in my life and now the word is rattling
around in my head and it has me thinking, oh no, the holidays are coming. Run
for the hills it's The Holidays! Actually I've given it some more thought and
all holidays are pretty nutty actually. It's not just
Thanksgiving and Christmas that get all the credit for being
ridiculous if you ask me all of our holidays have their own little quirks,
allow me to explain.
New Year’s
Day. It's the start to a brand new year and everyone is highly motivated to
finally scratch off all that stuff on their “to do” lists and drop those pesky
50 lbs. It's just funny to me that usually by June most people are back to not
caring anymore. I have a love hate relationship with New Years. To me
it's like that jocky kid in high school who you hated because he was so full of
himself, constantly working out and flashing his bright white smile there by
making you feel like you are the laziest person on earth. Then you find out he
bottle feeds stray kittens and does needle point with his grandma
in the nursing home. Crap. It reminds me that even though New Year’s
sucks because it points out my flaws it's not actually the holidays fault.
I don't know whose fault it is but I don't think it's the holidays.
Valentine's
Day. I swear I'm not a cynic it's just that no one needs a card the size of
their windshield and a stuffed puppy the size of a Buick What do you
do with the Buick puppy after the holiday? You will have to have a closet
dedicated to this monstrous pink beagle and you can't in good conscience
get rid of it because then you are insensitive. Then there are Valentine's
Day pressures if you don't have performance anxiety
before Valentine's Day you will during it. All those diamond
commercials want you to think that if you don't get your girlfriend a giant
diamond today she will hate you forever and your life is ruined. That is
just dumb, calm down relax, she won’t hate you Forever and your life's not
over. She will only hate you for a month or so and life, although now
complicated, will go on. Geez, lighten up.
St. Patrick's Day.
Who doesn't need a holiday that gives you an excuse to drink whiskey and make
bad choices? I know I do. Ok no I don't but I like watching those
people from a safe distance. "But officer it's
St. Patrick's Day, I Have to streak naked through the streets. My
great, great, great grandfather was Irish, it's my Birth Right!" Yeah that
will probably work. If there is anything I have learned from my Irish heritage
it's that my people don't need a day to allow them to get wasted. We don't need
your stinking holiday to give us permission; we were given beer at birth so we
could build up our tolerance. St. Patrick's Day is for
young college students who wear green beer steins sun glasses and
young gals who wake up with cold sores because they put their mouth on everyone
who wore a “Kiss me I’m Irish” button. It’s a button girlie not a contract you
can say no.
Easter. Where
did this go wrong? What happened to celebrating the resurrection of
Christ? Somehow it became much more appropriate to chase after a
mythical rabbit that leaves you glittery candy filled eggs. I would say that
you could ask most kids what Easter is about and they will say candy. Nothing
quit says resurrection of our Lord and Savior like a Reese’s
shaped like an egg. Oh man those are good. Considering that one of the number
one shows in the whole country right now is called The Walking Dead
it can't be that hard to market Jesus raising from the dead right? We
would have to cut out the whole zombie thing but I'm just saying it's possible
for youth to understand. I think the bunny is replaceable. However I vote we
keep the Reese’s eggs.
Independence
Day. On one hand this is an amazing day in American history and I'm very proud
of that. However on the other hand it has really become a hillbillies
dream. What could be better than hot dogs, beer and blowing things up? Admit
it you've noticed that around the Fourth of July beer commercial get
patriotic and become more frequent. Beer manufactures know that it will be
a requirement for entry at most Independence Day
celebrations. If you want to gain entry to a buddy’s campsite on the fourth of
July, you’re going to have to meet a few criteria 1. Show up with cheap beer
and lots of it 2. You must intend to consume meat prepared on a grill and 3.
You had better expect for things to be set on fire. End of story. Happy
Birthday ‘Merica.
Halloween. I
could go on for days about Halloween but I will try to make it brief.
Halloween is probably one of the most controversial holidays because
some people think it is glorifying a demonic holiday. Some people think it is
just a fun night for little kids to have an excuse to go
into public dressed as a power ranger or a princess, and then there
are those who use the holiday to be as slutty as they can possibly manage
without being arrested. So depending on your place in life Halloween can mean
lots of different things to you. There is no way to describe the
feeling this year when my son turned around to me and informed me
that he could see the butt of the girl in front of him. That was an
uncomfortable life lesson that I didn't want to teach while pushing an M&M
in a stroller and screaming at a little pink monster to "keep up” while we
were trick-or-treating. Sure enough the girl in front of him who was roughly 16
years old was dressed as the sluttiest bumble bee on the planet and low and
behold underneath that child's barely there yellow tutu was her rear
end out on display. Dear slutty Bumble Bee, A. Put some Tights on underneath
your tutu. B. You are 16 stop trick-or-treating C. Were your parents drunk when
you walked out of the house? I have a love hate relationship with Halloween,
but unlike New Years it doesn't ultimately give me a sense
of optimism instead it fills me with the fear that eventually it's
going to be socially acceptable to walk around in public
on October 31st completely nude wearing ears and a tail and people will
think nothing of it. I'm just say'in it's not looking good.
Thanksgiving.
This much like Independence Day is one of our most important days for our
country and so in true American spirit we spend too much money on food we
won't eat, force ourselves to pretend we like our families, and over
eat on carbs and sweets until we feel we can no longer move and pray for
some gestural intestinal relief. Good to be an American where I have
the freedom to eat until I puke and watch football until my eyes hurt. We
are celebrating a day that we shared a meal with the Native
Americans. These Native Americans made it possible for boobs like us to survive
in this foreign land and then we killed them, yep practically
killed them all. Thanks for the yummy food, now get out we are
stealing your land! So now I feel it's only right that we celebrate it every
year by treating ourselves so poorly. It’s a little bit of Native
American’s revenge.
Christmas is
for lunatics. I think almost everyone can say that Christmas makes people
crazy. Considering this season starts with a day called Black Friday it doesn't
bode well for the whole spirit of the day. I went
black Friday shopping one time and never again. I had a woman ram her
cart into the back of my ankles and then before I could turn around
and say "watch where you're going please" she had whipped around me
and gave me the finger. Nothing says love thy neighbor quit like flipping them
the bird on your way to by discount batteries. People get consumed with greed around
Christmas and forget what it's all about. This year
as Christmas approaches sit back, relax and focus on what’s really
important about Christmas...cookies.
Now having
said all of this let me say. I love the holidays. All of the holidays are
equally great they all cater to a different part of my personality. Sometimes
I'm feeling a little off my rocker and I want to blow stuff up. Sometimes I'm
feeling sensitive and have a great desire for a fluffy Pomeranian the
size of a jungle gym and sometimes I want a good excuse to be drunk in public
so I start screaming "It's OK I'm Irish!" Alright I don't
do those things but I like knowing that if I ever wanted to I could. All
holidays have their draw backs and their wonders. Like on Halloween it's a
wonder to me how more women don't end up roofied. Holidays can make people
crazy but just remember this may not be your favorite holiday but someone
somewhere is having the time of their life so grin, bare it,
and cornucopia. I still can't get that word out of my head. Happy
Holiday!
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