On the verge of maturity

As the past few years have gone by and I've moved, had children, and joined a church I've realized how different my life is now compared to 8 years ago. I guess in other words I had no idea how lame, boring and awesome I have become. I thought I was awesome before but in retrospect, yeah not so awesome. I like me now. I sound like Stuart Smalley from SNL, "people like me." But it's true. I've matured a lot and although that makes me pretty lame and rather boring it's kinda awesome. I recently went out with a friend to see an 80's hair band. Yow! Reliving the glory days. Well not really Axl Rose was more my dads glory days but it was fun nonetheless. It was an interesting evening to say the least.

I wanted a night out of the house and away from the kids. I love my kids but a night out makes us all much happier. I picked just the right place but then I needed a friend to go with me. I really didn't want to be "that girl." Just sitting all alone at the table, teary eyed and mouthing the words to November Rain.  I found just the right friend and we hit the town. I say we hit the town, but really we more like strolled into it. We were 45 minutes late due to feeding all of our children, bathing them and tucking them all into their beds. Truthfully though, I think a large part of that 45 minutes was me trying to shimmy and shake into a pair of Spanx. That was at least 20 minutes that I'm not getting back. So we arrive and I got carded. Woo! I wanted to thank the girl for carding me and get my picture taken with her so I could put it in my scrap book, oh yeah, you bet I scrapbook. I'm a maniac with a pair of scalloped scissors. Anyway, I kept my glee to myself and played it cool, or as cool as I get. It's 8:45 at this point and the band starts at 9. There aren't too many people there and it's not very loud. All good stuff in my eyes. My friend and I are doing some people watching and exchanging some giggles it's all wonderful. Well 9:30 rolls around and the band finally starts. 30 minutes late in true rock star fashion I guess. Didn't their mothers ever tell them it's rude to keep people waiting? If you know you have to Aqua Net your hair and put on ripped fishnet sleeves each night, plan ahead for petesakes. So it wasn't long before the men and women that were huge Montley Crue fans back in the 80's start popping out of the wood work. I saw so many butterfly boob tattoos I thought I was going to faint. There were ripped up jeans and leather jackets everywhere. The 40 somethings were reliving the good ol' days. I say more power to ya, but it makes me wonder when I'm in my 40's and there is a Nirvana cover band somewhere will I show up with unwashed hair and my hoodie with holes in sleeves for my thumbs? So it was good fun and lots of laughs. I knew the words to most of the songs and the giant hair do's and spandex on stage were priceless. But then as the night went on and the drinks were flowing for everyone around me my maturity kicked in and I started being more annoyed then entertained. At some point the crowd went from having a good time to just trying to get laid. It was actually pretty gross and sad. I saw women there that were probably pushing 50 and they were acting like some drunk college girl. They were practically throwing themselves at anyone who would light their cigarette. Even high five guy took a turn for the worst. Oh! I didn't tell you about high five guy. When we first arrived there was a guy going around Woo'ing and high fiving everyone. WOO! *high five* walk away strutting like  peacock. He was hilarious. Well at some point high five guy must have taken a turn for the worst because after a couple hours I saw high five guy still trying to high five as his girlfriend was dragging him to the car begging him to stop Wooing in her face. Poor high five guy's girl friend. I've been that girl, it's no fun.

I was struggling with my annoyance as the night went on and my Spanx didn't help. I had to pee about 50 times and getting in and out of those suckers is not pretty. I was drenched in sweat every time I came out of the bathroom stalls. I caught the eye of another big girl like me and we nodded at each other I think she understood my pain. Next time I'm using the handicapped stall, there's more room to kick my legs around wildly. How's that for a mental picture? Anyway, due to my countless trips to the restroom I over heard a ton of lovely conversations like the girls who argued over who would hold who's hair back first. I also heard a woman complain that her G-string was cutting into her because she had to pull it up so high so that it stuck out of her jeans. Now I didn't say it but I'm thinking to myself, woman you aren't supposed to wear your undies on the outside of your pants. That stuff is for super heroes and based on the way you look the only thing you are super at is...well never mind you get where I was going. It was no better outside of the bathroom either. There were lots of girls who were rubbing there barely covered buns on anyone who would look at them. There was a poor girl there who showed up in what looked like a prom dress and 5 inch stilettos. I can't even imagine how badly her feet must have hurt after going to a rock concert in that high of a shoe. I was in flip flops and my feet hurt after 3 hours. It may seem like I'm picking on the girls but trust me there were plenty of guys to observe as well. There was the gym rat dude that couldn't put his arms all the way down to the side who just kept moving his ball cap frontwards then backwards then back again and readjusted his junk about 40 times. I don't know what's going on down there but he must have worn his cup to the concert. There was the fresh out of the pen crazy eyes guy that I kept standing as far away from as possible. He licked his lips every time a cute girl walked past him. What is that? It's like watching Sylvester the cat salivate over Tweety bird. Is referencing Looney Toons weird? I have small children it's all I have to work with these days.  There was also the guy who came by himself dressed to the nines and just hangs out by the bar. That guy seemed nice, he didn't do anything gross but he just looked kinda sad and it made me think that he wasn't there for music but more for some attention and he didn't get any. Nice guys don't seem to get much attention in these types of situations. The guys who treat women like garbage are racking up the phone numbers and having trashed girls twerk for them. Who Twerks at a heavy metal concert!? You're 40 you can't Twerk knock it off!

 I wasn't trying to be the stick in the mud at the concert but I only made it till 11:30. I saw a guy put his hands down the front of his wife's pants and I said "I'm Out! This stuff just got weird." It's unfortunate that these concerts are held in bars because the music itself was a lot of fun but I just couldn't be around that much bad decision making. I came home just sort of sad for those people and grateful that I am no longer one of them. I'm happy with who I am, I'm happy with my decisions, I'm happy to be boring. It kind of suits me. I reference cartoons and have a crush on the blue Wiggle, if you don't know who that is look him up. I would rather curl up in peace with a good book and a hot cider then have to deal with, who gets to throw up first girls. Those days are over for me and I'm cool with that. The best part of my night was walking in the door with What-a-Burger in my hand and being greeted by a freshly awoke 2 year old. He had sleep in his eyes, cute little jammies and was dragging his blankie behind him. He sees me and just lifts his arms to be picked up. Now that is the way to end your night, well that and sitting in your bed with your 2 year old munching on french fries, snuggling and watching the Golden Girls Now THAT is the perfect way to end a crazy night.

On the verge of aging

Yesterday was the day I had feared for my entire adult life, the day I knew would be the end of my life. The day the world cashed in it's dues and collected all that I had. The day I turned *gulp* 30! I was determined to not turn this terrible number and I did my best to hide this birthday from my friends.  I had convinced myself that if I willed it strongly enough that the day would simply pass me by there by giving me one more year to be 29. Ya know, like a do over year. That could happen right? Well no apparently it doesn't and the day came and went and I was in deed..that age. I don't want to say it again.The major reason I have such an issue with this birthday is not because I feel like as soon as I turn 30 I'm old. In all reality I've felt old for quit awhile. I wake up in the morning and every bone in my body cracks and pops. My body sounds like popping bubble wrap as soon as my feet hit the floor. I'm not the girl who cares about grey hair or wrinkles so that aspect is lost on me. My problem is, I thought I would be in a different place at 30. Allow me to explain. I always thought 30 was the life stability finish line. I thought at 30 you should be rocking a Cleaver's style life and all would be right in the world. I should own a home, I had a home and lost it. I should be married. I was, twice, and now I'm not anymore. I should have well mannered, sweet, angel eyed children. I do not. I have wild, crazy, often times disobedient children.  I should have a good job. I do not. I used to have a great job, I had a wonderfully successful daycare that I loved very much and planned to do until I was to old to open a baby food jar. I should at least have a nice car. I do not. I have a minivan with body damage and a strange smell that just never goes away so I've quit trying to find it. I don't have the things and have not met the milestones that I thought I would by 30. So I had a choice come birthday time, A. stew about getting older and throw myself a pity party or B. go see Thor 2 and eat cheesecake. Thanks to my roommate and friend who refused to let me sulk I chose Thor 2 and cheese cake and it was the best decision ever. 

It's hard to believe that one movie going experience can change my whole perspective on 30. You would think that at 30 it's not still exciting and hilarious to sneak candy into the movie theater, turns out it's still awesome. I felt so dangerous, like a candy sneaking ninja or something. Now does the movie theater know people sneak in candy? Of course they do. Did I feel any less like James Bond? Nope. I was so stealth that even if they would have made me show the contents of my purse they wouldn't figure it out. Although that wasn't entirely on purpose. The contents of my purse confuse me and I know why things are in there, so to an outsider it would have been mass confusion. Last time I checked in there I had a WWE wrestler figurine, a fortune cookie, a bottle of acrylic paint and a Barbie head and that was just the high points not to mention the mounds of receipts,  tissues and loose change. So anyway, I snuck in my Hot Tamales and licorice and I was very amused with myself. I did not however sneak in the popcorn, not that I haven't in the past but I didn't bring the big purse this time. So my friend and I get into the concession line and what do I see? Novelty Thor 2 collector cups! Like manna from heaven God blessed me with the cup to hold enough Coca Cola to make me stay awake for the rest of my life. This cup was ridiculously large and flashy and so not my style, I needed one. So we giggled like little school girls and my friend and I each grabbed one. I love my Thor cup and I will cherish it always. On a side note, I'm very grateful that the action figure pops off the top of that cup because I had that little bugger in my mouth while searching for my straw way more then I'm comfortable with. So now my little Thor sits righteously on my night stand and greets me every morning with his hammer in the air and love in his eyes. Well truthfully my figure is a little cross eyed but I see love nonetheless. I'm off track, so we go into our movie with our giant Thor cups, our popcorn that could feed an army and my law breaking candy and we prepare for the movie. I probably should have scoped out our seats a little better though because I found that people get very uncomfortable in their chairs when you are lusting over a shirtless Thor on the big screen. Don't judge me, that man is gorgeous. I'm just saying that next time I need to sit near more single women and less older couples because even though it was dark I could feel the cutting stares and hear the uncomfortable shuffling in their chairs. I couldn't help it every time he slammed that hammer down or landed on the ground forcefully a grunt or a sigh just came flying out of my mouth and I had no power to stop it. Thor is my dream man what is so wrong with that? Guys like Thor are into chubby, 30 year olds, with 3 kids and a mini van right? I thought so. 

So the movie is done and it is almost 10 p.m. *gasp* What? I'm not home and it's 10 p.m.? #YOLO That's right we went to the 7:45 showing of Thor 2. That's almost the last show of the night we were regular rebels. Truthfully, had it not been for my giant Thor cup full of Coke I may not have made it through the movie, well played movie theater, well played. It's pretty bad when I'm 30 years young and being out at 10 is the most rebellious thing I'm capable of. Oh well such is life with three kids. My night was a grand success already and it wasn't even over yet. Just being out of  the house and away from my beloved children was a better gift to me then diamonds. I love my children to tiny little pieces but I'm a better mother to them when I get a night out by myself every so often. So the movie is over and I am standing outside of the restrooms waiting on my friend and I see all of these guys walk out of the theater, now I don't know if it was just me or what but those boys were so much cuter before I watched Thor. Have I ruined my possibilities for meeting a guy? Have my standards been raised so high now that no one will ever compare? Have I doomed myself to a life of solitude for the endless pursuit of Thor? No, probably not, it was dark in the theater and not in the hallway and I just need about a month to get over Thorshock. 

So next my friend and I are driving back from the movies and I am in tears with laughter. My sides are aching my cheeks are hurting it was amazing. Even at 30 you can laugh with a girl friend about boys, underpants, or whatever it is and it's just as satisfying as it ever was. As you can tell we had some pretty deep meaningful conversation on the way home :) I realized that just because I'm getting older and just because I'm a grown up now doesn't mean I have lost the joy in those small things that have always meant so much to me. When we got home there was a birthday margarita waiting for me because my room mate rocks. Naturally, I poured my birthday margarita into my awesome new cup and continued the birthday celebration. We all settle onto the couches in the living room and what does the room mate do? He put's on The Avengers. Best. Roommate. Ever. As we all know The Avengers has Thor in it. You all knew that right, it's not just me? So now I have Thor and a margarita and I care Way less that I have turned 30. As I was watching the movie and as the margarita is getting lower and lower I start thinking, maybe I'm a dork. I tell my roommates that I think I might be a dork based on my love of comic book characters and the fact that I intend to marry a fictional character who wields a magic hammer. They looked at me like " You are just Now realizing your a dork?" It was at this point I decided it was bedtime. I went up stairs I kissed my Thor figurine good night placed him lovingly on my alarm clock and drifted off to sleep in the hopes to see Thor again in my dreams. 

I awoke the next day and I was still happy from the night before and greeted by cross eyed Thor. I still felt blessed by all the birthday wishes from all over the country.  I still had an amazing household and left over birthday cheese cake breakfast, and I was still 30. Little did I know, life doesn't end at 30 like I thought it would. I was still here and I had another day to keep getting closer the goals I think I need to meet. As the day went on and the hang over went away I began thinking deeply about what my life was like right now and why I feel it should be different. I don't know where all of this pressure came from that I placed on 30 but it's OK now. God must have different plans for me. I thought my goals were husband, house, car and money. I have had all of those things and they were taken from me so that must not be what he wants for me. I sit here now at 30 and I'm thinking what are the goals God wants me to reach by 40? Here is what I have so far  further my walk with Christ, make the world a better place, and marry Thor. I'm pretty confident this is all I need by 40 to be happy. 

On the verge of calmer

There are just days as a single parent when I want to hide in my room and pray no one finds me. Yesterday was one of those days. The bad thing is my kids know all my hiding spots and have No problem busting in on me when ever they see fit. We are in the process of moving to a new city and that by itself causes some stress but add some sick kids, a escape artist dog and a broke down car and you have a cocktail of stress and nervous laughter.

Moving is stressful, but dealing with moving while still living in the home seems impossible. As I pack things, my kids unpack them. As I clean the walls off they touch them with peanut butter fingers. Everything I pack away they are convinced they will never see again and so I have to practically talk them off a ledge every time I tape a box closed. I'm the most worried about my deposit right now. I really need it back because it will be my first months rent on my new place. The house has been lived in by 5 kids in 3 years and it has taken it's knocks and it looks a little like I let the kids just go wild with pointy sticks and cleats in here. The house is very old and so the paint is coming off the walls in a  few places. What do kids do when they see paint peeling? That's right they pull it off more. So I went and had the paint matched and I planned to touch up all of the places the paint was coming off. It's a perfect match. However you can see every single spot I touched up! It was a perfect match so why can I see the spots? Fail. I have bought my weight in magic erasers and paper towels and it is still not perfect. Kids are just hard on a  house period but I'm not sure my 70+ year old land lords will remember that.

So as I am packing and organizing and cleaning I am also still mom/dad/and teacher. So when anything happens in this house it falls on me. Today I have been tested in all of my jobs. My oldest son J was diagnosed today with a Autism Spectrum Disorder specifically Aspergers syndrome. It's a high functioning form of Autism. I have suspected this to be the case for sometime now but to be confirmed was quit a shock. So now I have to redo his curriculum for the year. Because I really have time for that...or not. I need to make some adjustments for him now that I know he isn't just being difficult, he simply isn't getting it. As soon as I came home from the doctor with J a bit dazed from the news I picked up my youngest son Q. Not but a few minutes after picking him up and hoping for a cuddle after my difficult news about his brother, he barfed on me. Great. I get the little one all cleaned off and what do you know? He throws up again. I had come to the conclusion he had stomach flu. The fever starts to rise and the glazed look on his face tells the story of the war going on in his little baby gut. So now packing and cleaning are on hold because the little one wont let me put him down which is sweet but seriously gross.

On the way back from the doctors office my ABS light went on in my van. I wasn't about to mess around with that so I dropped the car off at the mechanic for them to tend to when they had time. As my daughter and I walked back from the mechanic she walked right through a huge pile of fire ants. She starts squealing and smacking at her legs and then the chaos began. She is laying down in the street screaming and slapping herself. I am frantically getting her shoes off and swiping at the ants as fast as I can. I'm also trying to get her up off of the street but as she is panicking it's much harder then you'd think. We get her all cleared of the ants and shoes back on and continue walking. I walked anyway, I had to give my 46 lb kid a piggy back ride for 3 blocks in 80 degree weather because she was ant shy all of a sudden. I couldn't really turn her down though I know how bad those bites hurt particularly because I just got a few of them on my hands and arms while trying to help her. We finally make it home but shortly after arriving I realize I can't find my phone. I was thinking that because when I walked in the door earlier the baby immediately starting throwing up I must have dropped it somewhere in the bathroom. No where to be found. No where in the house. So now I think I've dropped it in the street as my daughter was being eaten alive by ants. In my head it has already been run over and I now need a new phone. Luckily I had some great friends of mine go over to the mechanic for me and looked into my car and there it was. Perfectly safe but locked in my van for the night because the mechanic was closed and they had the only key. I was just glad it wasn't destroyed so I could handle a night with no phone.

So I have scratched one thing off my mental worry list and I have sent the healthy kids out to play in the  backyard so I could have some much needed cuddle time with the sick baby. Before I know what happened here comes my son in just his underwear and my daughter with only shorts on (why they took their clothes off I have no idea) running through the house screaming about the dog being out of the yard. Without pausing they run straight out the front door and B-line across the yard for the back of the fence. So I'm right on their tail because they are running out towards a busy street I shut the door behind me but apparently sicky was able to get it open cause he was out in the yard behind me. Picture this for a moment; my son running screaming at the dog in underwear, close behind is my daughter in only shorts screaming "Come Here Now!" Me in Pj's because I have been thrown up on so much with crazy hair and running all weird because I'm getting sticker burs in my feet every step I take, then close behind the little man in only his diaper half conscience following because everyone else is running in the yard screaming so is he. Did you enjoy that? A lot of the cars driving past at that moment must have too. Oy. I'm screaming at the kids to get inside I don't care that the dog is out but they very much do and they aren't coming in until she does. So the dog hears their screams and heads home. Well she decides half way that she isn't quit ready and runs out into the street and so do all three of my kids. It was Awful! Thank God there was only one car at the time and they stopped in plenty of time to not run anyone over but I defiantly got the stink eye. Don't judge me lady! So I grab the baby throw him over my shoulder I grab the dog by the collar and holler for the kids to march in the house. We were all safely inside and the scolding began. Not 2 minutes into my lecture about never running in the street and the baby throws up again. Lecture over and bedtime prep began. This day is Over.

So here it is the next day. I got my phone back thanks to a great friend who picked it up for me. The van repair isn't going to be as much as I thought and the baby hasn't thrown up since yesterday. The dog is indoors, my daughters bug bite no longer hurt and school went a little better today now that I have changed my lesson for my sons condition. All things considered things have gone pretty darn well today compared to yesterday anyway.I made the mistake of thinking, things must be calming down for us now because just as the thought crossed my mind my baby son walked up to me and tried to hand me a handful of poop and I realized it will never be calm just some days will be calmer then others.

On the verge of full circle

I am having a full circle moment and I just have to share.  My heart and mind are just reeling with how amazing things are right now. Bare with me, when I'm excited I'm long winded, OK regardless of excitement I'm long winded. OK never mind let's just read shall we?

Some people have heard my testimony on when I "found the Lord" but for those of you who have not I will try to make it brief. When I was 18 years old my boyfriend and I decided to go to Florida for spring break. I was a senior in high school and I knew everything there was to know in the world about everything. It was my first time on a plane. My first time out of Minnesota, and I was with the love of my life, whatever his name was. Now I wasn't going to spring break to do the usual spring break stuff because I didn't drink or smoke or do any of that crazy stuff but I did want to let my hair down and have some fun. Splash on the beach and sneak into hot tubs after dark kinda stuff. I was in the prime of my life and didn't have a care in the world. I was far from an angel, I was a senior in high school and away from mom and dad I was ready to Par-tay. Part of the reason I was making some less then perfect choices was because in 1997 I lost my best friend to suicide. It ruined me and I thought I would never recover, it was at that point I decided in my 14 year old wisdom that God did not exist. No God of mine was going to let a 13 year old end her life and so I decided to live my life without him. Living a life without God was far from fulfilling but I really didn't care. I was full enough.
When we first pulled out onto the beach in Tampa bay I was speechless. I walked out of the car and looked at that Gulf and I was awestruck. I fell to my knees in the wake of that water, I turned my eyes to the sky and I asked God to forgive me. I started crying and I realized at that moment that I had been mistaken He did exist and He was powerful. It took seeing that Gulf to make me realize how small I really was and how mighty He really is. This is where I "found the Lord." I keep putting that saying in quotes because I say I found him on this day, however that does not  mean I all of a sudden changed my life and became a perfect Christian. It took a few more years and a lot more bumps in the road for me to really come around and fully get what being a Christian meant. However had I not hit my knees in the Gulf of Mexico on spring break in 2002 I would have never even believed he even existed. So basically I found Jesus enough to ruin spring Break for my boyfriend. I battered him with questions all week like "Do you believe in our Lord and Savior? Do you think the Lord would like you doing that? Do you think the Lord built everything? The poor man thought he was going down to the beach for a nice relaxing time with his girlfriend and he came home with a Holy Roller.

* I have told this story before to people and I have always reported it as going to Daytona Beach first and seeing the ocean.  However upon looking through my photo albums I have recently discovered I remembered the story wrong. We first went to Tampa, Florida because my boyfriend was a huge Buccaneers fan. I thought the ocean had changed my life forever when really it was the Gulf of Mexico.

So let's now fast forward to 2013. Some friends of mine asked me awhile back if I was interested in moving to Corpus Christi, Texas. They would help me out with cost of living by getting a big house and we would all move in together. I could help my friend out with his ministry for single mothers and I would have a network of built in friends and connections through their church. It all seemed nice enough and very tempted but I was fearful and so I needed some time to think it over. Things weren't great where I was at,  but they were good enough and I really enjoyed the church I was at. I was tempted to tell them no and stay at, good enough awhile longer. Well, it so happens God had other plans for me and he kept telling me I was supposed to go to Corpus so I called up my friend and said "let's do this!" So the search for a house began, we met dead end after dead end when it came to houses. People were treating us like some kind of religious cult or sister wives when we explained our purely good intentions. I really didn't think the idea of us living together was that strange but we met a lot of closed doors in our quest for housing. Through it all I began to get nervous and wonder if this was really His plan then why were we having all of this trouble? Well it turns out that the reason we were being shot down was because we needed the perfect house and today we got it. It is everything we need and more and I am feeling very blessed. So as I sit and think about all of the things I have to clean and pack, it occurred to me that God himself is sending me back to the Gulf of Mexico! He is sending me back to the place that I first realized He is real and he is King. Not only did he tell me to go to Corpus but he got a house that is right on the water. I will be across the street from the Gulf. My eyes are welling up right now at the thought of being moved according to his will back to the water, the place that started a change in me that will last a lifetime. I am so excited to see what God has in store for me and curious as to why he wants me back to where it all began...

On the verge of boycotting Independence day celebrations

Now based on the title of this blog do not misunderstand me, I love America and what it stands for, I am all for doing the 'Merican thing and grilling dead animals, spending money I don't have and watching stuff blow up but this Fourth was unnecessarily ridiculous. From the time we left the house at 5 p.m. till the time we arrived home at 11 p.m. it was none stop non-sense. There was a fever and nausea, screaming in a port-a-potty or two, some possible broken bones and the constant threat of a wild fire. When I do things in this country I do them all the way!

We set out on our trip to the George Bush Presidential Library for their I <3 America celebration. We got about half way there before I realized I had almost no gas. Oops. No big deal we had enough to get where we were going and we were headed to a big city so I could fill up when we got there. It was quickly put out of my mind. We got close to the library parking area and I realized it was a park and take the shuttle situation. I figured that out via the cranky guy directing traffic to the parking garage who barked "Keep Going!" at me when I slowed and rolled down my window to ask where I was headed. Thanks for your help mister, You're a real peach. Maybe his white gloves were too tight. Anyway, as I came to terms with the shuttle idea I realized my giant stroller was out of the question, I wasn't going to be able to lug that sucker on the bus. Well I could have but I didn't want to be that lady rolling over everyone's feet and hitting people with my bags as I passed. You're welcome shuttle passengers.  So I crammed all the stuff we needed  into our back pack and I left the stroller in the van. Farewell stroller I shall miss you, you complete me. My son should actually be named stroller, that child doesn't get in a hurry for anything. He is 20 months old and curious beyond belief he had to stop and investigate every blade of grass and piece of trash on the way to the shuttle. I couldn't take it anymore and I snapped him up, threw the back pack on my back and hoofed it with the other two kids trailing close behind. We made it to the shuttle, however it is July 4th in Texas and I am now a giant sweaty mess. Gross. So we are on the shuttle and we are all settled in. Peaceful right? Nope. It was at the 2nd bus stop that I remembered, oh yeah, I get motion sick really easily. So I spent the next probably 3 stops trying to hold onto my wiggling son for dear life and not throw up all over this fancy shuttle bus. I've never prayed that hard to not barf in my life. That's actually not true, I pray not to barf a lot. Anyway, we made it to the library, Praise God I didn't throw up! We head on in and it was a lot of fun, or at least to most people it probably was. We got to the kid area and the kids start eating sno cones and plotting their attack on the bouncy castles when my daughter announces that she has to go pee pee and she needs to go right now. She had a fever for a couples days and so I had been pushing the fluids really heavily, when she said "right now" I believed her. She started heading for the Presidential Library and I started heading for the row of giant purple port-a-potties. This isn't going to end well. We are now standing in front of the port-a-potties like some kind of old west stand off, only I have hand sanitizer and baby wipes in my holsters instead of pistols. She is arms crossed determined she isn't going in there. I on the other hand am drenched in sweat from the giant heavy back pack on my back and stressed out from trying not to lose the curious 20 month old who wants to put everything he finds in his mouth. I was batting away random food scrapes and ground trash faster then a NBA point guard. I am much more determined then she is at this point. We fight over the port-a-potties for way too long and I give in, knowing eventually I would win this battle, and we go back to play however the Sprite and the Sno cone get tossed out. No more liquid until you pee missy! We go back to the games. The kids get all kinds of patriotic nik naks and have all kinds of fun. I on the other hand am still trying not to lose my baby who I cannot hold because we are both sweating so badly and he won't hold my hand because he has things to do and I am holding him back. I am so sweaty I have to wipe my brow because it is beading up and about to run down my face. Grosser. The bouncy house worked in my favor and my daughter finally admits she has to pee again. So back to the port-a-potties we go. We are back in our dueling positions. She is starting to do the dance of a child that must pee and so this time there is no coming back later. Now, her arguments for not wanting to go in the potty are valid and I think we all kind of feel the same way it's dirty, it smells weird, there is no soap. I understand that and I tried to reassure her that everything would be OK. Then it takes a weird turn and she is telling me that there are monsters and slime in the potty and if she sits on it they will bit her in the butt and suck her in forever. *shake my head*. After some cleansing breaths I try to convince her there are no monsters or slime. The slime was considerably harder to prove given the blue slim-esque liquid in the bottom of the potty. So I finally strike a deal. Let's go in the handicapped stall. I will hold you over the potty so you don't have to touch anything and it will be fine. That at least got her into the potty. So now here we are in this giant hot box of a port-a-john and we are still fighting over going pee. Sweat is now dripping down my back and face and I am seriously annoyed. I snatch her up to demonstrate how I will hold her over the potty in a hovering type position. She goes rigid and starts to scream, and climb up my body like a terrified little monkey. She acted as if I was going to throw her in the toilet or something. I can only imagine how all of this seemed from the outside of the port-a-potty, high pitched little girl screams, NO, MONSTERS! "There are no monsters! Just quit screaming! Go pee! I know you have to pee! If you don't pee we are leaving young lady....more high pitched little girl screams about slim. It was terrible. We come out of the potty, and she still hasn't peed. My hair is stuck to my face and neck and now my back hurts from trying to wrestle her into a squatting/hovering position over the potty seat. We are back outside for further negotiations. Boy did I get the stink eye from 2 different moms that must have been in the potties next to us. I'm not totally sure what they thought had happened in there but they were not happy about it. Don't judge me dreadlocks lady just because your kids pee in a public toilets better then my diva of a child, doesn't mean I'm a bad mom. Crazy mom maybe but not bad! Finally my daughter can't take it anymore and I have reassured her that I can hold her and we head back into the potty. I get her hovered over the bowl and nothing happens. I keep standing there hunched over with 45 lbs of squatted half nude child in my hands dripping with sweat praying to hear the sound of pee pee, and nothing. She is pee shy. Really?! So I continue in this position for as long as my poor back will handle while talking to her and reassuring her she is OK and that she isn't touching anything. I was 2 seconds from busting into a rendition of Warm Kitty Soft Kitty when I hear that glorious noise of Pee Pee in the port-a-potty. Hallelujah! She has peed and we can now leave this sweaty box of doom and tears and go back trying to redeem this trip. By the time I got out of this port-a-potty I needed a beach towel to wipe the sweat from my body. Grossest. We are back to the bouncy houses and my daughter doesn't look good. Uh oh. I bust out my thermometer and take her temp 102. Time to leave! We went through all of that only to have to leave 10 minutes later. I could have taken her to a gas station for petesakes. Whatever, no big deal my poor baby doesn't feel well nothing else matters let's get outta here. On our way out I remember we bought food tickets and they are none refundable. I am NOT leaving here with un-redeemed tickets that's un-American. So I grab 4 sprites and toss them in my already way too heavy bag and 3 sausage on stick. My oldest tries the sausage and decides on the way to the bus he doesn't want his because it's too spicy, I had already finished mine so I eat his too, I also eat part of my 20 month olds because he couldn't eat through the sausage casing. By the time we get to the shuttle I have 2  1/4 spicy sausages in my stomach and I am drenched with sweat. I sit down on the bus with the kids and immediately remember I get motion sick and now I have fresh sausage in my stomach. I hate myself a little right now. As we hit every stop on the way back to the parking garage my son is asking me what's wrong over and over again. I'm pretty sure I was turning green. I made it off the shuttle and the sausage stayed were it was supposed to. Woo. If I accomplish nothing else today that was a win.

We were finally on the road and heading to a different town to go to the fireworks and relax. I get just to the outside of  the city before I remember, I have no gas. So I find a place to turn around and head back. We are now already late to meet friends at the fireworks but what am I gonna do? So I find the first gas station and whip in, of course I pull in the wrong way and don't realize it until I get out of the van and walk around and go, where's my gas cap? Oh yeah dummie on the other side of your van! I get in and correct myself. I start pumping gas and for some reason it is pumping snail slow. It took me about 5 minutes to get 1 gallon of gas. That isn't an exaggeration I started timing around the 1 minute mark. So I did some quick math, figured out how far 1 gallon would get me and we headed down the road. I found a proper gas station filled up and set out. Now we are very late and I am irritated, but eh AC is cranked and my daughters Tylenol had kicked in so I'm feeling better. We get to the lake and everyone is trying to get to the lake at the same time, no big deal there is plenty of room so I relax. About the time relax kicked in I get the call that the people I was meeting aren't coming... I could have stayed at Presidential Library  for fireworks and skipped all this rushing business after all. Ah! No use being mad these fireworks will probably be better anyway right? I get to the entrance and I am informed that it is $2 a person to get into the fireworks. What? Who pays for fireworks? I didn't bring money because I spent it at the Library on life altering spicy sausage and heavy Sprites. By some miracle I found $6 in my wallet and gave it to the gal. I told her apologetically that was all I had and I didn't think a 1 year old counted as a person yet anyway. Sorry baby but you won't remember these fireworks anyway so I'm not paying. You can be a person next year. I think the poor gal could tell I was having a rough night and simply waved me through with my $6 paid. I think she feared for her safety. I must have looked crazy by this point. We get in and find a great spot, we set up our lawn chairs and all is right with the world. I had just sat my fanny in a lawn chair when I hear "Mom, I have to pee" my heart sinks. To my relief it was my son who is far less high maintenance when it comes to where he pees. We load everything back into the van, load the baby in the stroller (thank God) and lock up the van and make the trek to the port-a-potties. My son is good with port-a potties I think because as a boy you have to touch practically nothing in them, lucky, his only concern was that he would walk in on someone so I had to knock on each perspective port-a-potty for him to make sure there was no one in it. I had to knock on a couple because the first 2 were pretty darn gross and even I wouldn't have gone in. By the third it must have looked to an outsider like I was knocking in the hopes of finding someone. Like some kind of sick hide-n-seek adventure. We found a "good one" if there is such a thing and in seconds we were done. I had to look at my daughter and just say "was that so hard?" She didn't care in the least and started walking back to the van with her head held high. We head back we set up our chairs again and wait for fireworks. Now in Texas it hasn't rained in a long time so the grass is totally dry and brittle and I just didn't see how these people couldn't possibly care about that. There were people on all 4 sides of us lighting off their own fireworks. It was annoying and loud and all of them had a beer in their hand so I know they were being super careful. My mom senses were going wild. I was like a cat with it's hair all standing on end and on my tip toes waiting for the moment when I would have to throw my kids in the car, chairs and all, to get away from a wild fire breaking out. Thankfully nothing bad happened that involved fire. We did however have to deal with grass hoppers jumping on our faces, mosquitoes the size of Buicks, and gangster rap with some pretty awful lyrics and the kids next to us that screamed bloody murder every time someone set off a firecracker. There really was no peace here so it didn't shock me at all when my daughter tells me she has to pee again. Oh Course You Have To Pee. Why wouldn't you have to pee? I sat there quietly for a few seconds too long screaming my head, I know it was too long because my daughter got right in front of me and said "Mommy did you hear me? I have to pee. Right Now." I don't know what came over me must have been the cloak of darkness and the caliber of red neck we were hanging out around because I just told her to pee in the grass. There was No way I was doing the port-a-can again in pitch black darkness. My back hurts, I'm tired, it's dark just go pee in the grass. Do you think the Queen had a problem with this? Heck no, she thought that was great. So she goes over around the van and goes pee. Easy right? Well kinda, she came back around the van and tells me she's done but that she peed on her legs...and shoes...and underwear...and dress. At this point my head could have been a firecracker. I can't really get mad either because she isn't a pee outside professional. Usually she needs a full blown facility in order to go so I was just impressed she went at all. After lot's of hand sanitizer all over her body we were as good as we were gonna get till we had a shower and sat back and wait for fireworks.

The fireworks were surprisingly good for such a small town and I took some relief in knowing they were lite off over water and on a beach so there was less of a chance of fire in my eyes. It was fun but it was time to pack up. I wanted to leave a few minutes early so as to beat some of the traffic all heading for the exit at the same time. I began loading the van as the kids are still watching the show in the sky. I went to put something in the van and a critter bite or stung my toe on my left foot. Based on how bad it hurt and the swelling involved I think it was a scorpion. My whole foot was swelling and it hurt So bad! I couldn't say anything  because I  didn't want to freak the kids out, they would have surely lost their minds and hid in the van somewhere.  So I silently screamed and hyperventilated at the front of the van while the kids are blissfully unaware. The Minnesotan in my was seriously cursing out the state of Texas. I get to a point of tolerable pain and I come back to the back of the van to get more stuff. I tripped over the jogging strollers long front end. I didn't fall, although I have no idea how, but now I think I have broken my toe on my right foot. I shouldn't be allowed to wear flip flops. Only a couple weeks ago I tripped over my baby gate in flip flops and gave myself two black eyes and busted lip. Thankfully there were some very nice people next to me that made sure I was OK and offered me some ice from their cooler. Based on the type of music those guys were listening to I was surprised at how gentle they were. Just goes to show ya not to judge based on how loud someones gangster rap is. So now I have very painful toes on both feet within 3 minutes of each other but I'm still loading stuff in the van but now it looks like I am doing it in some kind of pee pee dance fashion because it hurts to put pressure on either foot. It was a sight to see that's for sure. I managed to get everything in the car including my kids and my swollen feet I said good bye to my new sweet friends and we headed for home.

I was never so glad for a day to be over in my life. It defiantly seems that in my life when something goes wrong at the beginning it just seems to snow ball out of control. I just keep trudging through because that is what I have to do. I learned things from my day, lot's of things actually like, leash train my son for next year, take Dramamine just in case, don't eat spicy sausage before a bus ride, Always make sure I have enough gas, pack a mosquito net to hang off the back of the van hatch at the lake. I should not be allowed to wear flip flops or accomplish things in the dark, and teach my daughter how to properly pee out doors. See I learned lot's of stuff. I am usually a hard learner but I figured things out real quick this day. This fourth of July was a learning experience like no other, I am grateful for the knowledge but now I have to figure out how to sleep through the nightmares this day has caused. I felt like I had scorpions on me all night long. So maybe we will stay home and watch fireworks on TV next year, seems safer that way. All in all,  God Bless America...and gangster rap.

On the verge of house breaking.

Is it possible for a dog and a toddler to conspire against you? I am not totally sure but I think this may be happening to me. We recently acquired a dog, she is a very sweet dog and we all love her very much but my 18 month old seems to like her more than most. You see they encourage each others bad behavior and I think they even try to blame each other.When they get in trouble they are usually together and they both give me the puppy dog eyes, I think the dog taught my son that.  Having a dog is just like having an 18 month old and having an 18 month old is a training process much like a dogs. Both will pee on things, both will chew on things and both require some sort of "proofing."

My 18 month old has recently discovered how to remove his diaper. This means he has also discovered a love of being nude and peeing on things. Much like the dog he pees as soon as you are not paying attention and in spots you would never notice. That is until your walking across the floor in socks. Gross.  I owned pet stain remover even before we had a dog because I had to get urine out of the rug from my child. I have never shampooed my carpet and furniture so many times in a month in my life. My child needs to be house trained and I'm not sure how to do it because rubbing his nose it seems wrong. I will literally duct tape the diaper closed and some how he still manages to get it most of the way off until it looks like he is wearing a duct tape and diaper fragment belt. Maybe the dog chews it off of him in some sort of a unspoken brothers united type situation. Some say that when a child starts taking their diaper off then it means it's time to potty train. Well I disagree with this statement given that I can't even trust my child to be anywhere near the bathroom with out pandemonium to follow. As soon as brother and sister have the door open to brush their teeth or wash their hands both the dog and the baby are right behind them to destroy toilet paper, throw everything in the tub or the toilet and play with the water in the bowl. The bathroom remains an off limits room to both little mess makers until further notice. Also I don't think he needs to potty train yet I think he just genuinely likes to be naked. 

Now on to things they chew on, which is everything. My sons crib was a very pretty dark cheery wood finish crib. Now most of it is dark cherry but all the way around the top, on all four sides it is now the color of the inside wood because my child has managed to bite off most of the pretty finish. It looks like a giant rat went after the top of his bed. He may only have a few teeth but he Uses them all. The dog chews on everything insight with the exception of dog toys. What on earth? I spend all this money on rawhide's and ropes and he chews on my favorite sandals and every crayon in the house. Which incidentally my son has also been in trouble for. I don't know how to make either one of them keep non-food items out of there mouths but I'm fighting a losing battle. Have you ever tried to get a 7 year old and a 4 year old to keep things off the floor so the dog/baby don't get them? It doesn't work. My 7 year old son came into my room crying the other night because the head of one of his action figures had been chewed off. I consoled him as best I could and explained that he needed to keep things put up and away from the dog. However in my head I was thinking, "Man I hope the dog did that and not the baby." I noticed this morning that the baby gate that separates the living room from the kitchen has been chewed on pretty extensively in two different spots. I don't know who did it but I'm pretty sure it was both and maybe at the same time. My child will chew on rawhide and the dog eats teething rings. My dog eats table food and I can't keep my child out of the dog food bowl. What the heck? If I catch my son outside digging a hole to bury a bone I'm having him evaluated. 

So you might think, "If you don't want the dog to eat your shoes put them away" right? Well nice try but no amount of proofing will keep either body from getting in trouble. Now don't get me wrong, the outlets are all covered, the stove and oven are locked, the chemicals are all locked up tight so we aren't talking eminent danger here but I defy you to find a garbage can that is both baby and dog proof. Such a can doesn't exist! Because even if you have a garbage that will keep the baby out, the dog will come by and knock the whole darn thing over and then it's a free for all. Nothing beats the sight of a child and a dog simultaneously rooting in the trash and the baby feeding random things to the dog. The baby gate. It safely and effectively keeps the baby out of the kitchen and away from the trash can, that is until the dog comes and plows through the thing. Then the baby just strolls right in. I put things way back on the counters and dining table so that the baby cannot reach up and grab things off the counter. I learned to do this after way too many plates of food got pulled down and made a huge mess. I have the exact distance work out now by instinct I didn't take into account the dog (a lab/border collie mix) has a much larger reach. She jumps up on the counter grabs the bag of bread and then they both sit there and enjoy bread together. Teamwork. They are plotting against me. The other day we had pizza for lunch. Everyone was done and I came into the living room to lay everyone down for nap. It took me 90 seconds to take a child lay that child on their blanket and walk back into the kitchen. In that time my son was out of his booster seat sitting in the middle of the table handing pieces of pizza to the dog who had half her body on the table. Frustrating. The worst part being despite the fact that I was mad at them both they were so stink'in cute I couldn't yell at either of them. So they were both sent to their kennels, only my son's is called a crib and I took time to clean up and cool off. 

 They are both into absolutely everything they chew on wires, pencils, socks, shoes anything they find will be chewed on. In the same day I had to yell at them both for attacking people when they walked in the front door. Both of them think that when people come in they immediately need to be kissed and picked up. Now for the baby that is much more attractive. When the dog does it she about knocks you over and you get dog breath in your face. When you sit on the couch to finally take some much deserved quit time be prepared to snuggle with both babies. My 50lb dog who thinks she is a lap dog and my 22 lb child who knows he belongs in my lap. There is no relaxing while these to jockey for lap position and try to snuggle with each other at the same time. Ultimately I have 2 babies and I am glad they both love each other so much with some house training, a few more "proofing" items and a few swats to the nose with a news paper, kidding, I think we will all make it another day. I hope as the baby matures the dog will too and they can continue to be  best friends and partners in crime as long as the peeing on the carpet and eating my shoes stops for both of them. 

On the verge of losing my tooth fairy job

I think I might actually be the worlds worst tooth fairy. Now I get some credit given that is was my first time ever being said fairy however in all honesty I think my chances of making tooth fairy of the year are slim to none. I had no idea there was preparation involved in being a tooth fairy I plead sheer ignorance to the entire tooth fairy experience. I forgot the tooth fairy even came until the tooth was already out, I didn't know the going rate for first teeth, and getting in and out undetected was mission impossible and I am No Tom Cruise.

My 7 year old son Finally lost his first tooth. It has been loose in his mouth for about 3 weeks. Yesterday I asked him if it was out yet and he showed me that it was still in his mouth. It was really holding on by a thread. I tried to encourage him to just quickly pull it out and be done with it. Yeah, that wasn't going to happen. I got the stink eye of all stink eyes at the mere implication that he would pull that tooth. Well a few hours past and as we were sitting at the dinner table I noticed he was pushing around his food. He explained he couldn't eat because his top teeth would hit his loose tooth and it hurt so he couldn't eat. Well that was all I needed to hear and I knew it was time for the wiggly tooth to go. Knowing my son it wasn't going to be pretty so it had to be quick. I grabbed a tissue and had it hidden in my hand. I told him I just wanted to try and wiggle his tooth for him and see if I could get it to finally come out. He very reluctantly opened up and I swooped in with my tissue and in a microsecond it was out. Hallelujah! After my son was done being mad at me and panicking over the blood in his mouth (roughly 3 minutes) he remembered that this meant the tooth fairy was coming and all was right in the world again and I was forgiven. Now that he has remember the tooth fairy is coming, so have I. I immediately start thinking "Oh no, I have no cash." I wonder if the tooth fairy can leave and I.O.U or maybe his pillow has a debit card reader? I think I have a roll of quarters somewhere.Shoot.

I rummage the house and van and manage to come up with some cash. I had a 20 dollar bill, not going to happen, and a few ones. Before my son went to sleep we had been discussing how much we thought the tooth fairy was going to bring. My son figured that since it was his first tooth he was easily going to make $100 off of it. I about fainted at that point. I said that I thought the rate was much lower as in $1. I explained that it had been a long time since I had lost any teeth but I was pretty sure that's how it worked. So he makes me a counter offer of $10. I only had an internal cringe at that one. I explained that maybe the first tooth is worth more than a dollar because it's the first but I still didn't think it was $10, maybe more like $2. It's funny we are having this back and forth negotiation on this tooth like it's a used car with body damage and a problem with the power locks. So my son was mentally prepared for the tooth fairy we had tentatively   agreed on a rate of $5 and he has never fallen asleep so fast. My daughter on the other hand was impossible to get to sleep last night. You see she is a 4 year old girl with Broadway star possibilities, so to her the fact that a real live fairy was going to be in our house was much too much for her and she just couldn't bring herself to close her eyes. After explaining that fairies don't come around when humans can see them especially tooth fairies and she came back with "Tinkerbell does" I realized I had to admit defeat with her and just rocked her until she passed out.

So I finally have all kids asleep, my emergency gas money from the van in hand, and I head into my sons room. Picture a grown woman sneaking on tip toes into this room avoiding toys and obstacles and heading towards the desk lamp. Every time my son or his dog sorted or moved I froze mid step. It was truly a sight. I didn't realize the dog was in the room so now I have to be extra careful not to wake him because if he barks or jumps he will wake up my son. What happens next? DROID! I received a e-mail and my phone made that awful droid robot noise. Crap! I fumble as quickly and as quietly as I could to get the phone put on silent, well too late he woke up. But not really just more conscious then he was 30 seconds ago. I froze and he was back out. I made it to the desk lamp and turned it off. I figured the cloak of darkness could only help me here. After waiting a minute for my eyes to adjust and making my way to the other side of the room I was ready to make this happen. I very smoothly and carefully reach under his pillow and find no tooth. You have got to be kidding me? So I go in a bit further, and further. I was in to my armpit before I found the tooth. I felt a sense of relief knowing I was just about to succeed with my mission and go to bed. No sooner did I let my guard down then he rolled over on my arm. Oh no, now we are face to face and I'm precariously perched on the lower bunk of the bunk bed and my arm is pinned under his sweaty head and all the blood has left my fingers. By golly I've still got a hold of that tooth though. So with careful maneuvering out of sheer will to not loose feeling the rest of my arm I got him turned over and my hand out, tooth and all. Woo, half way done. OK so now I have to get the money under the pillow and far enough in so that it doesn't fall out and start raining money on the dog on the bottom bunk. I get the money in without incident, Whew, I caught a break. So I climb down off the bunk bed and turn around and realize I still have to get out of here and this time I have no light. I tip toed and shimmied very carefully until  I got to about mid room then I began stepping on Legos and every action figure he  owns. There is no greater pain than stepping on a Lego. I'm pretty sure people who walk on glass in freak shows opt out of walking over Legos. So after some mild under my breath swearing and a few comments about the tooth fairy being overrated I was safely out of his room.

All of this just goes to prove the lengths that parents will go to to make our precious children happy. I went to get my son up for school this morning and I don't think he was even completely awake yet before his hand was rooting around under his pillow looking for his cash. I had to chuckle a little. All of my pain and anxiety was worth it to see my big man so excited to find that $5. Little does he know I went through a silent obstacle course in the middle of the night to get that money there and I hope he never finds out. The tooth fairy lives on in this house. I'm now going to have spare dollar bills in the drawer for just in case tooth fairy situations and next time he is sleeping on the bottom bunk. I am hoping tooth fairy duty gets easier from here.