I think I might actually be the worlds worst tooth fairy. Now I get some credit given that is was my first time ever being said fairy however in all honesty I think my chances of making tooth fairy of the year are slim to none. I had no idea there was preparation involved in being a tooth fairy I plead sheer ignorance to the entire tooth fairy experience. I forgot the tooth fairy even came until the tooth was already out, I didn't know the going rate for first teeth, and getting in and out undetected was mission impossible and I am No Tom Cruise.
My 7 year old son Finally lost his first tooth. It has been loose in his mouth for about 3 weeks. Yesterday I asked him if it was out yet and he showed me that it was still in his mouth. It was really holding on by a thread. I tried to encourage him to just quickly pull it out and be done with it. Yeah, that wasn't going to happen. I got the stink eye of all stink eyes at the mere implication that he would pull that tooth. Well a few hours past and as we were sitting at the dinner table I noticed he was pushing around his food. He explained he couldn't eat because his top teeth would hit his loose tooth and it hurt so he couldn't eat. Well that was all I needed to hear and I knew it was time for the wiggly tooth to go. Knowing my son it wasn't going to be pretty so it had to be quick. I grabbed a tissue and had it hidden in my hand. I told him I just wanted to try and wiggle his tooth for him and see if I could get it to finally come out. He very reluctantly opened up and I swooped in with my tissue and in a microsecond it was out. Hallelujah! After my son was done being mad at me and panicking over the blood in his mouth (roughly 3 minutes) he remembered that this meant the tooth fairy was coming and all was right in the world again and I was forgiven. Now that he has remember the tooth fairy is coming, so have I. I immediately start thinking "Oh no, I have no cash." I wonder if the tooth fairy can leave and I.O.U or maybe his pillow has a debit card reader? I think I have a roll of quarters somewhere.Shoot.
I rummage the house and van and manage to come up with some cash. I had a 20 dollar bill, not going to happen, and a few ones. Before my son went to sleep we had been discussing how much we thought the tooth fairy was going to bring. My son figured that since it was his first tooth he was easily going to make $100 off of it. I about fainted at that point. I said that I thought the rate was much lower as in $1. I explained that it had been a long time since I had lost any teeth but I was pretty sure that's how it worked. So he makes me a counter offer of $10. I only had an internal cringe at that one. I explained that maybe the first tooth is worth more than a dollar because it's the first but I still didn't think it was $10, maybe more like $2. It's funny we are having this back and forth negotiation on this tooth like it's a used car with body damage and a problem with the power locks. So my son was mentally prepared for the tooth fairy we had tentatively agreed on a rate of $5 and he has never fallen asleep so fast. My daughter on the other hand was impossible to get to sleep last night. You see she is a 4 year old girl with Broadway star possibilities, so to her the fact that a real live fairy was going to be in our house was much too much for her and she just couldn't bring herself to close her eyes. After explaining that fairies don't come around when humans can see them especially tooth fairies and she came back with "Tinkerbell does" I realized I had to admit defeat with her and just rocked her until she passed out.
So I finally have all kids asleep, my emergency gas money from the van in hand, and I head into my sons room. Picture a grown woman sneaking on tip toes into this room avoiding toys and obstacles and heading towards the desk lamp. Every time my son or his dog sorted or moved I froze mid step. It was truly a sight. I didn't realize the dog was in the room so now I have to be extra careful not to wake him because if he barks or jumps he will wake up my son. What happens next? DROID! I received a e-mail and my phone made that awful droid robot noise. Crap! I fumble as quickly and as quietly as I could to get the phone put on silent, well too late he woke up. But not really just more conscious then he was 30 seconds ago. I froze and he was back out. I made it to the desk lamp and turned it off. I figured the cloak of darkness could only help me here. After waiting a minute for my eyes to adjust and making my way to the other side of the room I was ready to make this happen. I very smoothly and carefully reach under his pillow and find no tooth. You have got to be kidding me? So I go in a bit further, and further. I was in to my armpit before I found the tooth. I felt a sense of relief knowing I was just about to succeed with my mission and go to bed. No sooner did I let my guard down then he rolled over on my arm. Oh no, now we are face to face and I'm precariously perched on the lower bunk of the bunk bed and my arm is pinned under his sweaty head and all the blood has left my fingers. By golly I've still got a hold of that tooth though. So with careful maneuvering out of sheer will to not loose feeling the rest of my arm I got him turned over and my hand out, tooth and all. Woo, half way done. OK so now I have to get the money under the pillow and far enough in so that it doesn't fall out and start raining money on the dog on the bottom bunk. I get the money in without incident, Whew, I caught a break. So I climb down off the bunk bed and turn around and realize I still have to get out of here and this time I have no light. I tip toed and shimmied very carefully until I got to about mid room then I began stepping on Legos and every action figure he owns. There is no greater pain than stepping on a Lego. I'm pretty sure people who walk on glass in freak shows opt out of walking over Legos. So after some mild under my breath swearing and a few comments about the tooth fairy being overrated I was safely out of his room.
All of this just goes to prove the lengths that parents will go to to make our precious children happy. I went to get my son up for school this morning and I don't think he was even completely awake yet before his hand was rooting around under his pillow looking for his cash. I had to chuckle a little. All of my pain and anxiety was worth it to see my big man so excited to find that $5. Little does he know I went through a silent obstacle course in the middle of the night to get that money there and I hope he never finds out. The tooth fairy lives on in this house. I'm now going to have spare dollar bills in the drawer for just in case tooth fairy situations and next time he is sleeping on the bottom bunk. I am hoping tooth fairy duty gets easier from here.
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