On the verge of house breaking.

Is it possible for a dog and a toddler to conspire against you? I am not totally sure but I think this may be happening to me. We recently acquired a dog, she is a very sweet dog and we all love her very much but my 18 month old seems to like her more than most. You see they encourage each others bad behavior and I think they even try to blame each other.When they get in trouble they are usually together and they both give me the puppy dog eyes, I think the dog taught my son that.  Having a dog is just like having an 18 month old and having an 18 month old is a training process much like a dogs. Both will pee on things, both will chew on things and both require some sort of "proofing."

My 18 month old has recently discovered how to remove his diaper. This means he has also discovered a love of being nude and peeing on things. Much like the dog he pees as soon as you are not paying attention and in spots you would never notice. That is until your walking across the floor in socks. Gross.  I owned pet stain remover even before we had a dog because I had to get urine out of the rug from my child. I have never shampooed my carpet and furniture so many times in a month in my life. My child needs to be house trained and I'm not sure how to do it because rubbing his nose it seems wrong. I will literally duct tape the diaper closed and some how he still manages to get it most of the way off until it looks like he is wearing a duct tape and diaper fragment belt. Maybe the dog chews it off of him in some sort of a unspoken brothers united type situation. Some say that when a child starts taking their diaper off then it means it's time to potty train. Well I disagree with this statement given that I can't even trust my child to be anywhere near the bathroom with out pandemonium to follow. As soon as brother and sister have the door open to brush their teeth or wash their hands both the dog and the baby are right behind them to destroy toilet paper, throw everything in the tub or the toilet and play with the water in the bowl. The bathroom remains an off limits room to both little mess makers until further notice. Also I don't think he needs to potty train yet I think he just genuinely likes to be naked. 

Now on to things they chew on, which is everything. My sons crib was a very pretty dark cheery wood finish crib. Now most of it is dark cherry but all the way around the top, on all four sides it is now the color of the inside wood because my child has managed to bite off most of the pretty finish. It looks like a giant rat went after the top of his bed. He may only have a few teeth but he Uses them all. The dog chews on everything insight with the exception of dog toys. What on earth? I spend all this money on rawhide's and ropes and he chews on my favorite sandals and every crayon in the house. Which incidentally my son has also been in trouble for. I don't know how to make either one of them keep non-food items out of there mouths but I'm fighting a losing battle. Have you ever tried to get a 7 year old and a 4 year old to keep things off the floor so the dog/baby don't get them? It doesn't work. My 7 year old son came into my room crying the other night because the head of one of his action figures had been chewed off. I consoled him as best I could and explained that he needed to keep things put up and away from the dog. However in my head I was thinking, "Man I hope the dog did that and not the baby." I noticed this morning that the baby gate that separates the living room from the kitchen has been chewed on pretty extensively in two different spots. I don't know who did it but I'm pretty sure it was both and maybe at the same time. My child will chew on rawhide and the dog eats teething rings. My dog eats table food and I can't keep my child out of the dog food bowl. What the heck? If I catch my son outside digging a hole to bury a bone I'm having him evaluated. 

So you might think, "If you don't want the dog to eat your shoes put them away" right? Well nice try but no amount of proofing will keep either body from getting in trouble. Now don't get me wrong, the outlets are all covered, the stove and oven are locked, the chemicals are all locked up tight so we aren't talking eminent danger here but I defy you to find a garbage can that is both baby and dog proof. Such a can doesn't exist! Because even if you have a garbage that will keep the baby out, the dog will come by and knock the whole darn thing over and then it's a free for all. Nothing beats the sight of a child and a dog simultaneously rooting in the trash and the baby feeding random things to the dog. The baby gate. It safely and effectively keeps the baby out of the kitchen and away from the trash can, that is until the dog comes and plows through the thing. Then the baby just strolls right in. I put things way back on the counters and dining table so that the baby cannot reach up and grab things off the counter. I learned to do this after way too many plates of food got pulled down and made a huge mess. I have the exact distance work out now by instinct I didn't take into account the dog (a lab/border collie mix) has a much larger reach. She jumps up on the counter grabs the bag of bread and then they both sit there and enjoy bread together. Teamwork. They are plotting against me. The other day we had pizza for lunch. Everyone was done and I came into the living room to lay everyone down for nap. It took me 90 seconds to take a child lay that child on their blanket and walk back into the kitchen. In that time my son was out of his booster seat sitting in the middle of the table handing pieces of pizza to the dog who had half her body on the table. Frustrating. The worst part being despite the fact that I was mad at them both they were so stink'in cute I couldn't yell at either of them. So they were both sent to their kennels, only my son's is called a crib and I took time to clean up and cool off. 

 They are both into absolutely everything they chew on wires, pencils, socks, shoes anything they find will be chewed on. In the same day I had to yell at them both for attacking people when they walked in the front door. Both of them think that when people come in they immediately need to be kissed and picked up. Now for the baby that is much more attractive. When the dog does it she about knocks you over and you get dog breath in your face. When you sit on the couch to finally take some much deserved quit time be prepared to snuggle with both babies. My 50lb dog who thinks she is a lap dog and my 22 lb child who knows he belongs in my lap. There is no relaxing while these to jockey for lap position and try to snuggle with each other at the same time. Ultimately I have 2 babies and I am glad they both love each other so much with some house training, a few more "proofing" items and a few swats to the nose with a news paper, kidding, I think we will all make it another day. I hope as the baby matures the dog will too and they can continue to be  best friends and partners in crime as long as the peeing on the carpet and eating my shoes stops for both of them. 

On the verge of losing my tooth fairy job

I think I might actually be the worlds worst tooth fairy. Now I get some credit given that is was my first time ever being said fairy however in all honesty I think my chances of making tooth fairy of the year are slim to none. I had no idea there was preparation involved in being a tooth fairy I plead sheer ignorance to the entire tooth fairy experience. I forgot the tooth fairy even came until the tooth was already out, I didn't know the going rate for first teeth, and getting in and out undetected was mission impossible and I am No Tom Cruise.

My 7 year old son Finally lost his first tooth. It has been loose in his mouth for about 3 weeks. Yesterday I asked him if it was out yet and he showed me that it was still in his mouth. It was really holding on by a thread. I tried to encourage him to just quickly pull it out and be done with it. Yeah, that wasn't going to happen. I got the stink eye of all stink eyes at the mere implication that he would pull that tooth. Well a few hours past and as we were sitting at the dinner table I noticed he was pushing around his food. He explained he couldn't eat because his top teeth would hit his loose tooth and it hurt so he couldn't eat. Well that was all I needed to hear and I knew it was time for the wiggly tooth to go. Knowing my son it wasn't going to be pretty so it had to be quick. I grabbed a tissue and had it hidden in my hand. I told him I just wanted to try and wiggle his tooth for him and see if I could get it to finally come out. He very reluctantly opened up and I swooped in with my tissue and in a microsecond it was out. Hallelujah! After my son was done being mad at me and panicking over the blood in his mouth (roughly 3 minutes) he remembered that this meant the tooth fairy was coming and all was right in the world again and I was forgiven. Now that he has remember the tooth fairy is coming, so have I. I immediately start thinking "Oh no, I have no cash." I wonder if the tooth fairy can leave and I.O.U or maybe his pillow has a debit card reader? I think I have a roll of quarters somewhere.Shoot.

I rummage the house and van and manage to come up with some cash. I had a 20 dollar bill, not going to happen, and a few ones. Before my son went to sleep we had been discussing how much we thought the tooth fairy was going to bring. My son figured that since it was his first tooth he was easily going to make $100 off of it. I about fainted at that point. I said that I thought the rate was much lower as in $1. I explained that it had been a long time since I had lost any teeth but I was pretty sure that's how it worked. So he makes me a counter offer of $10. I only had an internal cringe at that one. I explained that maybe the first tooth is worth more than a dollar because it's the first but I still didn't think it was $10, maybe more like $2. It's funny we are having this back and forth negotiation on this tooth like it's a used car with body damage and a problem with the power locks. So my son was mentally prepared for the tooth fairy we had tentatively   agreed on a rate of $5 and he has never fallen asleep so fast. My daughter on the other hand was impossible to get to sleep last night. You see she is a 4 year old girl with Broadway star possibilities, so to her the fact that a real live fairy was going to be in our house was much too much for her and she just couldn't bring herself to close her eyes. After explaining that fairies don't come around when humans can see them especially tooth fairies and she came back with "Tinkerbell does" I realized I had to admit defeat with her and just rocked her until she passed out.

So I finally have all kids asleep, my emergency gas money from the van in hand, and I head into my sons room. Picture a grown woman sneaking on tip toes into this room avoiding toys and obstacles and heading towards the desk lamp. Every time my son or his dog sorted or moved I froze mid step. It was truly a sight. I didn't realize the dog was in the room so now I have to be extra careful not to wake him because if he barks or jumps he will wake up my son. What happens next? DROID! I received a e-mail and my phone made that awful droid robot noise. Crap! I fumble as quickly and as quietly as I could to get the phone put on silent, well too late he woke up. But not really just more conscious then he was 30 seconds ago. I froze and he was back out. I made it to the desk lamp and turned it off. I figured the cloak of darkness could only help me here. After waiting a minute for my eyes to adjust and making my way to the other side of the room I was ready to make this happen. I very smoothly and carefully reach under his pillow and find no tooth. You have got to be kidding me? So I go in a bit further, and further. I was in to my armpit before I found the tooth. I felt a sense of relief knowing I was just about to succeed with my mission and go to bed. No sooner did I let my guard down then he rolled over on my arm. Oh no, now we are face to face and I'm precariously perched on the lower bunk of the bunk bed and my arm is pinned under his sweaty head and all the blood has left my fingers. By golly I've still got a hold of that tooth though. So with careful maneuvering out of sheer will to not loose feeling the rest of my arm I got him turned over and my hand out, tooth and all. Woo, half way done. OK so now I have to get the money under the pillow and far enough in so that it doesn't fall out and start raining money on the dog on the bottom bunk. I get the money in without incident, Whew, I caught a break. So I climb down off the bunk bed and turn around and realize I still have to get out of here and this time I have no light. I tip toed and shimmied very carefully until  I got to about mid room then I began stepping on Legos and every action figure he  owns. There is no greater pain than stepping on a Lego. I'm pretty sure people who walk on glass in freak shows opt out of walking over Legos. So after some mild under my breath swearing and a few comments about the tooth fairy being overrated I was safely out of his room.

All of this just goes to prove the lengths that parents will go to to make our precious children happy. I went to get my son up for school this morning and I don't think he was even completely awake yet before his hand was rooting around under his pillow looking for his cash. I had to chuckle a little. All of my pain and anxiety was worth it to see my big man so excited to find that $5. Little does he know I went through a silent obstacle course in the middle of the night to get that money there and I hope he never finds out. The tooth fairy lives on in this house. I'm now going to have spare dollar bills in the drawer for just in case tooth fairy situations and next time he is sleeping on the bottom bunk. I am hoping tooth fairy duty gets easier from here.