On the verge of cool

I was in my van the other day singing away to the radio. I was drumming on the steering wheel and I had all the windows down so the wind was in my face. I was getting down and feeling cool. Then I heard “Mom!” from the back seat. When I turned around to see what the problem was, I found both of my kids with annoyed looks on their faces and their hands on their ears. My son said to me “Mom you’re a nice singer but can you do that at home later and not now please? People can see you.” Ouch. I’m officially uncool. I knew this day would come. I was cool once upon a time, or at least I thought I was. The birth of my kids made me lose my cool like it does for so many parents but God willing I will regain my cool someday as a grandparent. Parents aren't supossed to be cool anyway right?

My parents were definatly no exception, they were very uncool. Our parents were uncool and their parents were uncool, it has been like this for generations I bet for a while even Hercules thought Zeus was a stick in the mud, or clouds I guess it would be. I can just picture it "Dad really? Do you have to throw lightning Every time my friends are over? We get it your powerful could you go inside now your embarrassing me." In the beginning my parents embarrassed me by giving me terrible haircuts. You see, I had a bowl cut, and not just your ordinary bowl cut either, I had a permed bowl cut. Not only was it the same length all the way around my head but it was fluffy too. That actually takes a side seat though to my haircut when I was 2. I had what looked like a Jheri curl mullet. I take no responsibility for that uncoolness that was all my mother’s fault. As I got older I was finally able to take over and I finally became cool. It started with a passion for high top sneakers and neon headbands and then escalated to a love for Zubaz. Zubaz were the pants of the era, they were my hammer pants and I wore them everywhere. When I wasn't in my zubaz I wore my splatter paint jeans. It looked like someone had taken a pair of high waist, pleated, acid washed denim jeans and splattered paint all over them. It was neon and fabulous and I loved them. Yes, I rolled and pinned my jeans at the bottom and yes I rocked slouch socks. I was incredibly cool. By the time I got to high school I was holding my own in the awesome department. I’d say most people wouldn’t have considered me one of the “cool kids" but by that time I Felt cool so I didn’t care what people thought. I think all the aqua net in the 90's affected my judgment though. I wore giant bell bottoms, I shaved my head and I even wore a purple ball gown to school for absolutely no reason. Now you might be thinking to yourself, I don't know if any of that makes a person cool. Trust me it does, I was awesome. I sang loudly to terrible music in my car, I proudly drove a giant white station wagon that I named “The Stinger” and I became a high school cheerleader. The cheerleader thing makes me a little cool right? I got out of high school and moved to Texas and I lived an awesome life. I had a cool apartment in the city, I had a cool car that was all paid off, and I had a cool job that let me meet lots of awesome people. I was in the prime of my awesomeness, who could possibly stifle that ultra-high level of cool?

A baby that’s who. A baby will suck the cool right out of you. I traded in my cool for a baby and in the grand scheme of things I say it was a fair trade. Managing both probably would have killed me. I traded my Zubaz for mom jeans but that’s ok I’ve made my peace with that for now. I held onto a little cool for a few months because I made milk, I provide comfort, and I had an unmatched ability to make my baby sleep. Before he was able to walk I was very cool. But then his little feet hit the ground and he was off and from that point forward he was too cool to be held anymore especially by mom. The next two kids followed suit. I was cool to them for about 10 months then they were mobile and the cool was gone. Now the older my kids get the less cool I become. I'm pretty sure my kids think that I have never done a cool thing in my life and I am the nerdiest person on the planet. I guess it’s fair though, I thought all my dad did for fun was watch golf and listen to Crosby Stiles and Nash, he was the most boring uncool person on earth. That is until his best friend came to stay with us for a week when I was 15. I listened to stories about my dad and this friend sneaking into a bell tower in the middle of the night and ringing the bells. They put a lot of sleepy nuns into a frenzy that night. It was at that moment I thought maybe in another life he wasn't such a dad and perhaps at some point, just for a moment, he was pretty cool after all. My parents embarrassed me and now it's my right to embarrass my kids. I’m still cool but they won’t realize it until they are much older and they hear my version of a bell tower story.

I’m optimistic for the future. I know when my kids become teens their embarrassment will go way up and my cool will go way down. I also know though that when my kids are adults and eventually parents themselves they will do the same things to their kids that I did to them. What goes around comes around. From my understanding as soon as my kids become parents I get my cool back X10 because grandparents are about the coolest people on the planet. My cool hasn’t actually left it’s just on hold until I become a grandma someday. I can handle being the uncoolest person alive as long as I know that getting my cool back is always on the horizon. Some day while I am traveling around the country in my giant white RV named Stinger 2 and wearing my zubaz and high tops one of my kids will call me and say “Mom, my son just said I wasn’t cool and told me to stop singing in the van.” I will just smile and break out in a celebratory running man dance and I will know my cool has come full circle. Until that day I am an uncool mom and proud of it.

On the verge of dating

How do you meet a man whom you have interest in dating? I think in a perfect world he would walk right into my church and have a manly intoxicating fragrance that follows him in. He will have a halo of bright white light that matches is gorgeous white teeth and as he walks flowers ascend from him and onto the floor. Hey, it could happen! I’m not saying I’m holding out for it but it could happen. I don’t plan to get married again, so dating seems unnecessary. It’s like training for a marathon you never intend to run. It just doesn’t make sense. That's also why I don't run actually, running doesn’t make sense either. I’m currently coming off of my second divorce in 4 years, that’s right I’m 2 and 2 on marriage and divorce and I’m not even 30 yet. Oh yeah, Right on Track. My friends and family seem to think that eventually I will “get back out there” and I will connect with someone again. I say they are crazy and start to question my taste in friends. However, sometimes just for kicks I think to myself what will dating be like now after 3 kids and 2 divorces? How will I even meet someone? Maybe the guy in Chuck E. Cheeses costume is single. Then how will I figure out if they are a waste of time or not? I guess Chuck E. is out. Realistically it’s going to be a co-worker, a person from the internet or a blind date.

Truthfully I hope to heaven it’s not a co-worker. I work at a machine shop with a bunch of welders and although that grimy look does have some appeal a requirement for dating any of them would be they aren't allowed to open their mouths. It’s not that welders aren't smart, it’s a hard skill to master and a lot of them are very smart. It’s more the swearing every third word, smoking like a chimney and spitting on the floor while grabbing their pants for emphasis stuff that gets to me. “Stupid” and “No” are bad words in my house so Mr. Welder and his mostly 4 letter word vocabulary aren’t going to work around my house. Our four letter words are usually love, milk, and Ma Ma I do hear those words at work however they are usually in a whole different context. These guys super glue wounds shut and I bandage things with princess Band-Aids and kisses. The guys eat beef jerky and slam monster energy drinks that they buy at the gas station on break; I have my salad and apple pre-packed in my Tupperware the night before. These are the men I have to pick from at work? No thanks I’m good.

Maybe I will meet Mr. Right on-line? That takes some of the work out for me. They give a picture and a bio I wouldn’t get that in real life. I can just imagine it. I meet someone for the first time and demand to see their driver’s license photo, credit history report, a criminal background check and insist on hearing their life story, but then all of a sudden I’m the weirdo. No way, it’s much easier to just Google them before you meet them and don’t act like I’m the only one who does that, you’ve Googled someone before. On-line dating has its disadvantages too though. Now maybe I’m too cynical but I will read into everything they type. If he uses too many smiley faces he's a dork. If he can't spell he's a moron. If he knows way too many lyrics to Broadway shows he is now in “the friend zone.” I need body language to figure a person out. You can't tell from an online chat if he has a weird facial tick, or a tail. These are deal breakers people; I need to know these things before I waste my time. Not to mention that the person you are "dating" could also be a serial killer just waiting to find out your address to come and cut off your fingers and stick them in your refrigerator. You’re happily instant messaging away and Mr. Fridge-Fingers is cutting out magazine pictures trying to assemble your likeness so he can sleep with it and pet you like cat.  I don’t think on-line dating is the way to go for me.

Maybe if my guard was down one day a friend could convince me to go on a blind date with their friend who is "perfect for me." I've never really done a blind date before but I don't think it would work out. I'm a lot to take in the first time you meet me. I have had countless encounters with people who say the first time they met me they didn't like me. I'm sort of like a bull at the rodeo. When they are penned in things are fine but as soon as that gate opens and the pressure is on they’re all over the place. I can behave myself for the first 30 minutes but after that I can't fake it anymore and I have to put my foot in my mouth at least once. I ramble when I'm nervous and just in case the rambling wasn't a clear sign of nerves my skin will seal the deal. My cheeks, chest and neck will turn bright red. There’s nothing like a little rosacea to really impress the opposite sex. I’m also naturally uncomfortable when I am out in public without my kids. I keep feeling like I’m forgetting something. I’m just not very good and switching out of Mom mode and into Woman mode. Knowing me, at dinner I would probably lean over and take his butter knife away or put his straw in his water. I couldn’t go to the movies either. Two hours in a dark cool room with no one talking to me, yeah right buddy 10 minutes into that movie and I’m going to be fast asleep. I only dance when I have a kid standing on my feet, I only bowl with bumpers and carnival rides make me nauseous. Mr. Blind date is in for a rough night.

So as far as dating goes I have 3 real basic choices, Mr. Welder with the spitting and pants grabbing, Mr. Fridge Fingers, and poor Mr. Blind date that had no idea what he was in for. I am much more content to go to work do my job and go home to my amazing kids. I’m very happy to keep my on-line time dedicated to “liking” pictures of my friends and watching silly YouTube videos of babies falling asleep into their spaghetti and I’m perfectly content to stay home on a Saturday night and watch my Friends reruns in my sweat pants. It’s not a life that some people would choose but I love it. So I think I will stick the original plan and just not date. I’m really very busy sustaining my other relationships and I don’t have time for dating shenanigans anyway, oh and I really like my fingers and I don’t want them in my fridge.

Are you on the verge of reincarnation?

 If I were to believe in reincarnation I would think that coming back as my 4 year old daughters clothes would be the worst possible punishment ever. You think coming back as a bug is bad that’s nothing compared to the life you will have as a future Broadway stars wardrobe.

You will never be with your mate or match ever again.

My daughter’s clothes haven't matched in 3 years. After the age of about 18 months my daughter stopped wearing her outfits as an intended set. I was delighted to buy outfit sets with a sailing theme, a kitten theme or a cute little strawberry pattern, but before I knew it there were kittens on the top, sailboats on the bottom, and strawberries on the socks. I quit trying to correct it when she would stick her hand on her hip and exclaim "I do it Mom, I do it!" Okie dokie sailboats and kittens it is then. Frankly as long as she would leave it on her body I didn't try to fight it. My daughter went through a pretty serious naked phase that lasted way too long. I'm talking duct tape on the diaper to make sure she couldn't get Totally nude in public. The second we would hit the front door for home she was down to a diaper (because she couldn't get the tape off or that would be gone too). So as I said, I would have let her wear army fatigues and neon pink zebra print as long as she kept it on her body. I have claimed for many years that she is merely expressing herself through her mismatched wardrobe. However now that she is 4 I'm wondering if it's less expression and more just being lazy.

You will be easily replaced.

The thought of counting how many wardrobe changes my daughter makes in a day makes me shudder. I have actually taken away her clothes before and rationed out how many clothes she got in a day. On the weekends she doesn’t even play with toys this girl changes outfits for fun. The best part is when she changes outfits she changes personalities. When she wears her boots and a poofy dress she’s a cowgirl. When she wears her leotard and dance shoes she’s a cross between Bella Ballerina and Alex from Flash Dance. When she wears her ball gown she is Queen of the Universe, get the picture? As her mood changes her clothes change, when she is tired the outfits get simpler like a pull over dress and leg warmers. When she is off school on a Saturday the outfits are wild and fun and frequent and usually involve every accessory she owns. No outfit is sacred, you will be easily replaced and eventually you will end up on the floor.

You will never be where you belong ever again and you will be trampled regularly.

Generally the condition of that girls closet can best be described as a disaster. I know the clothes go in the closet clean, sorted and some are neatly hung on hangers. I know this because I put them in there that way. It only takes a matter of a few minutes and the clothes will be all over the floor and half pulled off the hangers. I'm convinced that my daughter has a little sensor that goes off in her head that tells her when clothes have been laundered and neatly put in her room. That sensor goes off and she must immediately go straight to her room and try on every outfit she owns. This wouldn't be so bad if she didn't throw the first clean outfit on the floor so as to put on the next clean outfit. She will then repeat this process until she has worked her way all the way through her clean clothes and they are all back on the floor, which is where I picked them up from to begin with. Perhaps from now on I will launder the clothes and then walk into her room and just thrown them in every which direction. They will end up there anyway. The clothes were clean for roughly 30 minutes then they are just trampled and kicked around until the next laundry day.

You will come home from school permanently disfigured.

I cannot for the life of me figure out what my daughter manages to get into but sometimes she comes home from school looking like she just did a Navy Seal qualifying obstacle course and not preschool. She will have rips and tars in weird places. How she got a hole in her shirt right in the middle of her back is beyond me. My guess is crawling on her belly underneath barbed wire. She will have major stains that make no sense. I have looked at a stain on my daughter’s shirt and then consulted the school lunch menu paper to see if I can figure out the stain. Don't judge me I need to know! The shirt will appear to be covered in baked beans and looking at the menu it says cream corn. Where did the beans come from?! How she covers herself in ketchup on macaroni and cheese day baffles me too. Her stains do not make sense. I used to try and battle the stain now if I treat it and it doesn't budge, the stain wins and I throw it out. There are just too many mystery stains and rips she must be getting out of preschool early and working part time as a farm hand somewhere.

You will not be used for your proper purpose.

My little girl is very creative when it comes to dressing. To us we see a pair of regular old tights. You remember the ones, the hot itchy wool tights that you swore you would never make your kid where. Those would be the ones. We see tights my daughter sees pigtails. This girl will wear a pair of wool tights on her head All Day Long and happily play Rapunzel. She will "brush" her tights, she will "braid" her tights she will even use ribbon to tie her tights back while she brushes her teeth. It doesn't stop at tights either she will also put on a shirt and then pull it up over her head as if to take it off, but she won't pull it all the way off and then she has a glorious full mane of beautiful T-shirt hair. To me she looks more like a nun in a habit but to her it is more like Tina Turner hair. It won't stop at shirts either my little dear has been known to tie leggings around her waist and use them as a belt, Socks on her hands as gloves, and once I even found her tying her clothes together to make a fort.

So if you believe in reincarnation it is in your best interests to get right with this world because you Do Not want to come back as my daughter’s clothes, you will be in for a rough existence.