On the verge of dating

How do you meet a man whom you have interest in dating? I think in a perfect world he would walk right into my church and have a manly intoxicating fragrance that follows him in. He will have a halo of bright white light that matches is gorgeous white teeth and as he walks flowers ascend from him and onto the floor. Hey, it could happen! I’m not saying I’m holding out for it but it could happen. I don’t plan to get married again, so dating seems unnecessary. It’s like training for a marathon you never intend to run. It just doesn’t make sense. That's also why I don't run actually, running doesn’t make sense either. I’m currently coming off of my second divorce in 4 years, that’s right I’m 2 and 2 on marriage and divorce and I’m not even 30 yet. Oh yeah, Right on Track. My friends and family seem to think that eventually I will “get back out there” and I will connect with someone again. I say they are crazy and start to question my taste in friends. However, sometimes just for kicks I think to myself what will dating be like now after 3 kids and 2 divorces? How will I even meet someone? Maybe the guy in Chuck E. Cheeses costume is single. Then how will I figure out if they are a waste of time or not? I guess Chuck E. is out. Realistically it’s going to be a co-worker, a person from the internet or a blind date.

Truthfully I hope to heaven it’s not a co-worker. I work at a machine shop with a bunch of welders and although that grimy look does have some appeal a requirement for dating any of them would be they aren't allowed to open their mouths. It’s not that welders aren't smart, it’s a hard skill to master and a lot of them are very smart. It’s more the swearing every third word, smoking like a chimney and spitting on the floor while grabbing their pants for emphasis stuff that gets to me. “Stupid” and “No” are bad words in my house so Mr. Welder and his mostly 4 letter word vocabulary aren’t going to work around my house. Our four letter words are usually love, milk, and Ma Ma I do hear those words at work however they are usually in a whole different context. These guys super glue wounds shut and I bandage things with princess Band-Aids and kisses. The guys eat beef jerky and slam monster energy drinks that they buy at the gas station on break; I have my salad and apple pre-packed in my Tupperware the night before. These are the men I have to pick from at work? No thanks I’m good.

Maybe I will meet Mr. Right on-line? That takes some of the work out for me. They give a picture and a bio I wouldn’t get that in real life. I can just imagine it. I meet someone for the first time and demand to see their driver’s license photo, credit history report, a criminal background check and insist on hearing their life story, but then all of a sudden I’m the weirdo. No way, it’s much easier to just Google them before you meet them and don’t act like I’m the only one who does that, you’ve Googled someone before. On-line dating has its disadvantages too though. Now maybe I’m too cynical but I will read into everything they type. If he uses too many smiley faces he's a dork. If he can't spell he's a moron. If he knows way too many lyrics to Broadway shows he is now in “the friend zone.” I need body language to figure a person out. You can't tell from an online chat if he has a weird facial tick, or a tail. These are deal breakers people; I need to know these things before I waste my time. Not to mention that the person you are "dating" could also be a serial killer just waiting to find out your address to come and cut off your fingers and stick them in your refrigerator. You’re happily instant messaging away and Mr. Fridge-Fingers is cutting out magazine pictures trying to assemble your likeness so he can sleep with it and pet you like cat.  I don’t think on-line dating is the way to go for me.

Maybe if my guard was down one day a friend could convince me to go on a blind date with their friend who is "perfect for me." I've never really done a blind date before but I don't think it would work out. I'm a lot to take in the first time you meet me. I have had countless encounters with people who say the first time they met me they didn't like me. I'm sort of like a bull at the rodeo. When they are penned in things are fine but as soon as that gate opens and the pressure is on they’re all over the place. I can behave myself for the first 30 minutes but after that I can't fake it anymore and I have to put my foot in my mouth at least once. I ramble when I'm nervous and just in case the rambling wasn't a clear sign of nerves my skin will seal the deal. My cheeks, chest and neck will turn bright red. There’s nothing like a little rosacea to really impress the opposite sex. I’m also naturally uncomfortable when I am out in public without my kids. I keep feeling like I’m forgetting something. I’m just not very good and switching out of Mom mode and into Woman mode. Knowing me, at dinner I would probably lean over and take his butter knife away or put his straw in his water. I couldn’t go to the movies either. Two hours in a dark cool room with no one talking to me, yeah right buddy 10 minutes into that movie and I’m going to be fast asleep. I only dance when I have a kid standing on my feet, I only bowl with bumpers and carnival rides make me nauseous. Mr. Blind date is in for a rough night.

So as far as dating goes I have 3 real basic choices, Mr. Welder with the spitting and pants grabbing, Mr. Fridge Fingers, and poor Mr. Blind date that had no idea what he was in for. I am much more content to go to work do my job and go home to my amazing kids. I’m very happy to keep my on-line time dedicated to “liking” pictures of my friends and watching silly YouTube videos of babies falling asleep into their spaghetti and I’m perfectly content to stay home on a Saturday night and watch my Friends reruns in my sweat pants. It’s not a life that some people would choose but I love it. So I think I will stick the original plan and just not date. I’m really very busy sustaining my other relationships and I don’t have time for dating shenanigans anyway, oh and I really like my fingers and I don’t want them in my fridge.