On the Verge of Gangster

Some may say I'm just an average Minnesotan mother of three but I was laying in bed at 9:30 p.m. one night and I got to thinking, I'm kind of gangster. Allow me to explain:

1.  Tattoos can be pretty gangster- I don't have prison tattoos or anything and mine were all done in nice, clean, upscale shops not at a buddies house but I do have tattoos so that makes me tough. Right? Maybe I should go out and get "QUEENSLAND" tattooed across my back. I should be representing my family. I might as well do the Norwegian flag and giant picture of sauerkraut while I'm at it. I don't have a tear drop tattoo either but I have had marker and countless other art supplies all over my face does that count?

2.  The gangster walk- You know the walk, the one that makes them look like they have a 2x4 down one pant leg. Yeah I have that walk sometimes but mine is usually because I've had three children and my sciatic nerve is shot. Sometimes I can't help but walk that way until the feeling comes back.

3. Bling is super gangster- I guess here we differ a bit because the only jewelry I have is usually handmade and it's mostly yarn and macaroni. I think it gives me swagger though...that's a thing right?

4. Drinking Hennessy- I've never had Hennessy so I guess I'm not really sure if I compare but if It's anything like wine coolers I can hold my own. Sometimes I can get three whole wine coolers in me before I  fall asleep...I'm gonna say that I win this round. #YOLO

5.Traveling with an entourage- I've seen the MTV video awards. Now granted this was in MC Hammers hay day but I've still seen it and I think the gangster rap stars are the ones that have about 12 people with them at all times. I am the exact same. Why do you think I drive a minivan? I always have a ton of people with me at all time. Shoot, Sunday morning on the way to church I usually have so many people with me we have to take 2 cars. Now that's gangster. Going to the grocery store I usually have 4 or 5 kids with me I rarely travel alone. It may not be people that can watch my back, or whatever purpose an entourage serves but it's still an entourage. No one said my crew couldn't all be under the age of 10.

6. Sagging jeans- Gangsters wear their pants around their knees or thereabouts and I guess I am the opposite of that. I have been accused a few times of rocking some "mom jeans." You know the kind of jeans that come up past the hip and button above the belly button with that 9 inch zipper? They are so comfy but they give you the mom ass to match the jeans. It looks like each pocket is trying to run away from the other on your back side. No shame here, those suckers are comfy. If I habitually look like I'm on my way to my kids soccer game to deliver pretzels and juice boxes, so be it.

7. Having a luxury car with an awesome paint job is gangster. My van is far from luxury. As I've discussed in an earlier blog my minivan sort of hates me and it dings for no reason. The sliding doors just open and close at random. I have torn interior on most of my seats and most of them also have gum stuck to them. All of the carpet is no longer the color it was in 2008 when I got it. My glove box is held closed by a bungee cord, a mouse chewed through my back windshield wiper wire so my back window is always filthy. I have two mismatched running lights on the front because I didn't know they had to be orange and not clear. I have a dent in the side that someone did while I was in the grocery store. I have wood stain on the back by one wheel that won't come off. That's sort of awesome though because now it permanently looks like I've just taken my minivan mudding. I've given up on air freshers because no amount of air freshener can cover up the smell of sippy cup hidden under the seat. Or better yet diapers that had to be quickly changed in the back of the van but then were forgotten about until the next morning when you are rudely reminded. Hey, I've learned the smell of pee will wake you up much faster then coffee. So this isn't so much gangster as it is a little ghetto.

8. Flashy rims on your car. Yeah, would you put rims on the van I just described? That's like putting lip stick on a pig, it just doesn't make sense. Unless you're into that.

9 Loud/Good systems in their cars are a requirement to be gangster I think. Now this is a bit of a stretch but I can relate. Funny story. I was crus'in down my favorite road with the windows down and the wind in my hair. I had my music full blast rocking out to my favorite Christian rock. I get to a stop light and I'm nodding to my music and feeling Awesome. I was just waiting for the green light of freedom, when my song ended and a Progressive commercial came on. The one with the camel on hump day. The person in the car next to me started to snicker. My CD player was on the fritz, like most of my van, so I was jamming out to the radio, nothing says I'm a free spirit like a camel on hump day What What?

10. Croaked or backwards hats. Yeah that won't work, I'm the weird mom lady who wants to walk up to those boys and explain that the stickers are supposed to come off the hat not stay on, the tags need to be cut off, and you need to bend the bill of your hat so that it shields your face from the sun. It should also actually go on your head not perched right at the top or hanging off the back. What is with hats these days?

11. Smoking Newports or weed. I have to admit that while I typed that last sentence I had to edit myself because I wrote "The weed." Nothing says I'm gangster like referring to street drugs like a grandmother from Fargo who knits caps and warns her grandchildren of The Marijuana and that dangerous caffeine that's in everything nowadays. Oh for Petesakes. Moving on! I can't get within a hundred feet of smoke with out my allergies making my eyes itch and my throat close. Nothing says I'm from the streets like popping a Zyrtec and pulling tissues out of your sleeve like a magician at a circus.

Ok fine so maybe I'm not as gangster as I had originally thought, but to be fair it was 9:30 at night and when I stay up that late I get a little delirious. Ya, heard? I'm out.....see what I did there? Ended on a gangster note. Booya.