I spent my night with a child coughing in my face and wedging his freezing little feet in between my thighs for warmth. He got snot on my pillowcase and around 3 a.m. I woke up feeling wet. Yep, he peed on me. Needless to say I was up at 3:01 a.m. stripping my entire bed, changing my clothes and quietly muttering "Have kids they said, Just one more they said, it'll be fun they said..." Then at 6:30 a.m. I was woken up yet again to the feeling of being wet. I was delirious from lack of sleep but I was pretty sure I hadn't peed. Thank goodness I was right and it was actually my son with my water from my night stand. He was sitting at my feet "drinking it" which means dumping it on my bed and all over himself. So I changed my sheets yet again all before I had one drop of coffee. No one had better tell me I'm just not a morning person ever again. You don't know my struggle. So we get up and he goes down for breakfast before me. It only took me a few minutes to get down stairs because I'm not exactly dolling up for the day after the night I had. Shorts and a T-shirt, hair in a pony tail, Go. I get down stairs and he has already dumped a fist full of fish food into the fish tank which means I have to remove all of the fish and clean out all of the mess, Again. Older brothers and sisters are how 2 year olds get into so much. I know this because as "baby proof" as you make things are an older sibling will leave things right out at eye level for the 2 year old and then it's a free for all. My oldest son left his fish food out again and so here comes the two year old to "help" Grr. He had also dumped half a bottle of Elmer's glue on my older sons desk. I swear that was premeditated from the night before. No one acts that fast on a whim. He had a 5 minute window from the time he got down stairs until I arrived, that child planned this all out. After that mess was sorted out I finally had time to make myself some breakfast and coffee, thank God. Just when I had sat down to enjoy my breakfast I notice my 2 year old next to me looking like he is trying to poop in his pull-up. Nothing spurs my appetite like a kid taking a dump right next to me. So I scoop him up and off we go to the big boy potty. We've been working on potty training for about 2 weeks. It's not going so great. I spent an hour and a half in the bathroom waiting for that child to put the poopy in the potty. I played Candy Crush, I surfed the web, I answered a few e-mails, I bribed him with everything just short of a new luxury SUV, then I prayed for God to give me strength I did it all and I still cracked first. Keep in mind I still hadn't had coffee or my breakfast, I was weak with fatigue, he won that round. Insult to injury 2 minutes in his pull-up and he pooped. ...I..could...have...lost...it. I didn't, instead I sent him upstairs to go take a nap. I knew he hadn't had much sleep last night after all I was there. It was also a good idea to have him away from me for a little while. So I finally sat down and drink my, now cold, coffee and I had comfort in knowing the little one was fast asleep. After about an hour he comes down, seemingly a little too alert for having just woken up but, hey no big deal. I can deal with a happy child. Time for lunch. I get everyone's food on the table including my 2 year olds special gluten free meal and we are off and running. Kids are eating, things are good. I was walking around the table when I noticed my son had emptied a full pencil sharpener onto the carpet. Awesome. I walked into the living room to get the vacuum when I notice he has taken a box of 100+ crayons and thrown them everywhere while I was cooking lunch. Not only are there 100+ crayons on the floor but a lot of them are broken and most of them have been stripped of there paper wrappers. So broken crayons, pencil shavings, and tiny scraps of paper Everywhere. I vacuumed it up quickly, turned around and headed back to the dining room to find he had fed his special gluten free lunch to the dog. This child is so destructive I can't even keep up. I'd need two heads, 8 arms and the power of Jesus to stay ahead of this wrecking ball. I'm not about to make him more lunch so I get him down from the table and the first thing he does is wipe his hands and face (snot and all) on my clothes. That's motherhood of a two year old, is it not? Giant walking dish towel. I clear the table and prepare for after lunch quiet time. The two year old is obviously still misbehaving so he's going down for nap #2. I take him upstairs to lay him down and find crushed cookie all over his bed. It turns out he was't sleeping for nap #1 after all. That would explain why he "woke up" so chipper. He had slithered downstairs and stolen cookies from the kitchen and managed to get back upstairs, loot in hand, undetected. The worst part is that the cookies aren't gluten free, So he's Defiantly not sleeping with me tonight because being peed on is one thing, diarrhea is a whole other issue. The good news is that tomorrows potty training should be much easier. There will be no hour and half hold out on the pot tomorrow. The gluten shall rule in my favor and I will win that round. Sweet revenge for a morning spent terrorizing me. So now as I wrap up this blog and I know my two years olds nap will soon be over I think to myself. Am I ready for round two? I better make more coffee and get to work on that bell.
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